My Aching Heart

Well, I have several more posts rolling around in my mind about Africa. I'm not sure which to write next, but this is the one that I keep thinking about.

I told Derek the other night that I know that part of my heart is still in Africa and you know what, it hurts. It physically hurts at times because I feel like part of me did not come home to the US and probably never will.

I know that I'm not the same person that I was when I left, but how does this different, changed person fit into the former person's role. Those are the things that I continue to wrestle. It's completely normal, so I hear, but somedays I just feel out of place.

Isn't this how we're supposed to feel? After all, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passin through". We should probably feel "out of place" all the time, because even Peter told us that we are aliens and strangers in this world. (1 Peter 1:1, 17; 1 Peter 2:11)

I can't even explain it except that Zambia captured my heart. I've been on a mission trip before, but this time it was different, this time I came back different, this time I'll even return to the mission field different. Have you heard the story of David Livingstone? He was a Scottish missionary to Africa and he spent some time in Zambia. There is much to learn from him. He had great faith. He had a mission. He didn't quit, no matter the cost. On May 1, 1873, his servants found him dead in his tent kneeling in prayer at the bedside. What I love most about Dr. Livingstone most though is that he loved Africa so much that he asked that his heart be buried there.

His servants found him dead beside the bed, still kneeling. They cut his heart from his body and buried it there on the spot. They then carried his body to the coast to British authorities to be carried to England for burial. For over 1,000 miles, they fought their way through hostile tribes with that body, never allowing it to touch the ground, so much they reverenced their master.

Now listen, I'm not wanting my heart to be buried in Africa, but I can relate because part of my heart is there and always will be. I can't describe it except that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I think of my girls in Africa. When my tummy gets a little hunger pain, I think of my girls in Africa. When my kids complain that there's nothing in the pantry (come on, it's full of food), I think of Africa. I dream of Africa. I smell the wooden items I bought in Africa because the smell reminds me of Africa (I know it's crazy, but the wood really does smell different). I pray and plead with God that I'll get to go back in 2009 and 2010 and 2011 and until He calls my heart somewhere else.

But I also realize that until June 2009, I have a job to do here. I have ministry here. I have a husband, three kids and several responsibilites at church that need my time. They need someone who has passion for them, not just a passion for Africa. And so, I'm still working it all out. I'm trying to find the balance in all of it. God's not calling us to live in Africa, because He has a job for us to do here. May He fill me with that same passion and love I have for Africa for those within my reach each and every day.

I'll leave you with some quotes from Dr. Livingstone. I love them all. Do you have a favorite?

"I determined never to stop until I had come to the end and achieved my purpose."

"I will go anywhere, provided it be forward."

"I will place no value on anything I have or may possess except in relation to the kingdom of Christ."

"Nothing earthly will make me give up my work in despair."

"Fear God and work hard."