Book Review -- The Hardest Peace

The Hardest Peace ... Expecting Grace in the midst of Life's Hard

We've had a few weeks of a less rigid schedule and that has given me more time to read which makes me happy, happy, happy.  I can't remember how I even first heard of this book, but I picked it up a few months ago.  It's been sitting on my nightstand just waiting to be read.

I already knew part of her story....a young woman battling cancer.  I knew it would be a tough read.

As my family sat around the table on January 1st, we thanked God for the healthy year we'd had in 2014.  No one in our family visited the hospital in 2014 which is always a blessing.  Even though we experienced some hard in 2014, it doesn't compare to what others have endured or are enduring.  But I've also learned that you can't really compare hard.  Everyone's story is their own and I can't ignore my hard just because I think someone else's hard is harder.  Instead as Kara encourages in this book,  I need to find grace in the middle of the hard and know that God is the writer of my story.

Yes, we are healthy.  Yes, I am in a happy marriage...not perfect, but happy.  Yes, my husband has a job.  Yes, we have four beautiful children.  But this is our hard right now....one child has ADD and it's exhausting.  "Where is my _________?" gets asked at least several times a day.  Mom's brain is always on...do you have your PE uniform?  where's your sweatshirt?  where's your binder?  where's your phone?  It's exhausting.

Another has a personality very different from mine.  We don't see eye to eye on a lot.  This one is a slow and deliberate thinker.  I am a quick thinker.  This one takes time to warm up to people at a party and a smaller party is better than a bigger party.  I love to jump right in to conversations at parties and the more people to talk to, the better.  This one thinks the glass is half empty.  I'm happy that the glass has anything in it at all.  And so, we continue to figure out how to live together and how to compromise when we are so different.

The baby of the family thinks she should always get her way and that her cuteness should give her a pass on disobedience.  I'm going to write a blog post about how parenting is different the second time around at some point.  But she talks all the time and is inquisitive and asks questions all the time that I don't always know the answer to.  Google is my friend....often.  But the talking...all the time....it's tiring on some days.

And then there's the realization that one of the hardest parts of motherhood is to watch your children struggle.  Whether it's the one with dyslexia and realizing that she reads below her grade level and she probably always will.  And this affects so much...her self-esteem, her social skills, her grammar, her vocabulary.  Or watching as other parents seem to have the star athletes or the academic strengths of Harvard graduates or the musical talent that will spearhead the child into a music career.  And we seem to be "average" and so many things don't come easily for our kids.  For one that's sports.  For another that's academics and for another it's social.

But this book reminded me that this is God's story that He's written for the Jordan family.  And it is a good story because He is a good God.  And that His grace is sufficient even in the midst of the hard.

As I cried through this book, I also realized that this woman is incredibly kind and intentional in the way that she has mothered.  Her book encouraged me to do this better in 2015.  Because love is kind and sometimes I do not show or speak kindness.

It's a short read....eight chapters with 5 questions to ponder at the end of each chapter.  Her book will encourage you to be thankful for the life you've been given and to embrace the goodness of each day. I need this reminder often.  Kara says that this isn't the story she'd have written for her life, but in her life and in her dying, she is glorifying God and isn't that the chief end of man? (Westminster Catechism)

You can read her blog here.

The Difference a Year Makes

Well, I took a very long break from blogging.  The last year and a half of our lives took some unexpected turns....some good and some bad.  A failed adoption of a sweet little boy.  A precious adoption of an adorable little girl.  A ministry that crumbled right before our eyes.  The loss of friendships.  The joys of a great school fit for my boys.  The struggle of balancing mom and teacher with the homeschooling of a daughter with dyslexia.  The hormones of two teenagers in my house and another that might as well be a teenager.  A promotion at work for Derek.  The changing of a job for me.  Watching my husband's character be attacked with cutting words because of our involvement in the crumbling ministry.  Watching family and friends "stick" with us even during the hardest of weeks.  And through all of that, having God's grace and healing evident in our family's life through it all.

Last year around this time, we went with my entire family to Disney World.  It's one of my favorite places to go because you're pretty much guaranteed to have a great time.  The happiest place on earth. That week at Disney was a rough week.  There were phone calls and emails surrounding some issues that were just tough.  It's just not right to be crying at Disney World and yet that's where we found ourselves.  Wounded by the words and accusations of others.  Derek and I tried our best to put on happy faces for our kids and our family because this was a family vacation after all.  A time to make magical memories and yet it was filled with hurt and memories that I'd prefer to forget.

I told Derek just the other day that it was a year ago that life just seemed so hard and I just wanted to run away or for him to take a job in Brazil or France or Japan or somewhere else because the thought of just leaving all of this behind seemed like the best and easiest option.   What a difference a year makes, because God has brought so much healing to our hearts and reminded us again that "He doesn't waste anything".  He will someday use the hurt to further His kingdom and to bring Himself glory.

These series of pictures are so telling of how I felt about the ministry we were involved with.  The first season was filled with so much joy and anticipation just as Abigail thought she wanted to ride "The Barnstormer".  

As the hill started to get steep and the ministry decisions started to get really tough, I wanted off the roller coaster.

And then the third picture is just the agony of a failed ministry and of broken friendships both here in the States and in Ethiopia.  Sorrow and fear overwhelmed my soul.  We had given so much to this ministry and we watched it all crumble even though the ministry board worked tirelessly to keep it alive.  We made mistakes along the way.  There are things that we would do so differently looking back.  The doors of the ministry eventually closed.   Some friendships survived the fall and some didn't.  I remember whispering to Abigail "It's okay, it's okay. Mommy has you.  It's almost over."  And looking back, God was whispering the same thing to me.  "It's okay.  It's okay.  Your Heavenly Father has you in the palm of His hand.  It's almost over."

And a year later, it's true.   I feel like so much of it is over.  The Lord has brought so much healing to our hearts and our family.  And in God's divine timing, He gave us Abigail to bring lightheartedness and joy to our family even in the midst of great pain.  The last eighteen months have been filled with so much laughter because of her.  Today as I celebrate my 42nd birthday, I am reminded of God's goodness.  Life is a roller coaster and mine hasn't looked at all like I thought it'd look, but the ride has been fantastic and I would do it all over again.  Whether you're in the anticipation and excitement phase of things to come or whether you're on the upward climb of tough things in life or if you're plummeting down a hill and you just want off the ride, I can promise you that things will change with time.  God is good and He is faithful.

Psalm 27 brought me comfort during the hard days.  Verses 13-14 have always been some of my favorite verses because they are a reminder of God's goodness.

Be strong, take courage and wait for the Lord!  You will see His goodness in the land of the living!

Psalm 27: 13-14 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Happy Forever Family Day, Abigail!

One year ago today, we went to the orphanage to meet Abigail.   She wasn't so sure about us as the pictures reveal.  It was a sweet day with several aspects of an Ethiopian ceremony involved.  

Here Derek and Abigail were supposed to be cutting the cake, but she wasn't in agreement and she let us know!

Here I am trying to console her, but nothing really worked.

And I guess this would be our happy gotcha day picture!

Here they were singing a goodbye song as part of the ceremony.  

And the picture below is probably my all time favorite (thank you Erin for capturing these moments).  This picture represents the joys and sorrows of adoption.  As I rejoice today that Abigail is part of my family, it is done knowing that there is great loss involved as well.  I am thankful for those who poured into her life for the first 2 1/2 years.  We will never know her full story, but the sorrow and hurt is represented well in this picture.  I am sure she was confused and grieving what she was walking away from....her friends, her nannies, her bed and her security.

But GOD IS GOOD, and she is thriving in our home.  Her paperwork said that she was non-verbal and this girl uses more words in a day than probably all three other children combined.  She is making friends at church and at preschool and loves to boss people around.  Every night before bed she asks for the schedule for the next day.  She always wants to know if we're going to the store and if we're meeting daddy for food.  (I guess we do a lot of shopping and eating!)  

We are so thankful for God's gift to our family.  We didn't realize that our family wasn't complete without her, but we now know that all along it was God's plan for her to be forever ours.

Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice

One year ago, my sweet friend Ashli went to Ethiopian court with me.  One year ago, the Ethiopian government declared that Abigail would be forever part of the Jordan family.   That decision brought joy and a little bit of fear because of the second picture below.  Ashli speaks Amharic and kids are naturally drawn to her.  We tried bubbles and stickers and funny faces, but Abigail wanted no part of it and/or us.

And then just a few weeks ago, this girl bundled up and went outside to touch the snow of Tennessee.  All I can say is that the Lord is good.  We thought we were bringing home a very sad and quiet child because she spoke so little while we visited her in the orphanage.  Oh, we were so very wrong!

Abigail is bossy and talks a lot.  She said to Derek the other night, "Nanny says that I taking too many questions."  She asks questions about everything.  She has the best laugh and is nothing but a delight to our family!

One year ago today, I met with Amen's birthmother and told her that the Ethiopian laws had changed and that we couldn't adopt Amen.  It was heartbreaking for her and for me.  My friend Ashli was there on that day too.  She translated to make sure that everyone understood the situation.  The Ethiopian attorney told us that the case was virtually impossible.  Maybe someday I'll write more about how this impacted our family.

After this meeting, we went to the Sheraton to use the internet and send our families back home updates.  Ashli was there when the tears started to flow.  I really tried to hold them back, but I was overcome with emotion that afternoon.

Ashli rejoiced with me in the good times and mourned with me in the icky times.

Today, I rejoice with her that her Ethiopian daughter is coming home....just a year later from this photo.  This photo from left to right is Ashli's daughter, Ashli and Amen.

I do not understand the ways of the Lord, but I can trust that they are perfect and that His plans for each of us are good!  I am thankful that He writes our story instead of us writing it ourselves, because I know that He sees the full story and He knows exactly what we need.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Happy 3rd Birthday Abigail!

Our sweet baby girl turns 3 today.  It feels like she's been here all along, but reality tells me she hasn't.  We are only dealing with minor issues (her dislike for fruit, vegetables and anything healthy and some stomach issues).  I know that so many adoptive families deal with so much more the first few months.  But her first few months home have been sweet and precious.  She is a gift to our family.  Words cannot even describe how she lights up a room with her bossy voice or her determined attitude to do something on her own.  She gives the very best hugs when I pick her up from her nap, from school or from church.  She loves me unconditionally even on those days when I'm grumpy, she still thinks I'm the best!!  And honestly having one teenager and two tweens in the house, I'm glad that someone thinks I'm the best.

She is soaking up English saying phrases like "What's that?", "Oh my goodness", "Look at me", "Come on", "See you later" and many more.

We are incredibly thankful that God chose to bless us with such a precious and sweet girl.

Happy Birthday Abigail!

Day 1 with Abigail

Our travel to Ethiopia began on Saturday.  We were very blessed to have our friend and P61 board member Erin traveling with us.  We overnighted in DC and then left for Ethiopia on Sunday morning.  There was actually another person sitting next to me and Erin was across the aisle.  After several short conversations between Erin and me, he realized that he wouldn't have a quiet, peaceful flight with these two chatty women, so he offered to move.  :)  It is always best to sit next to your friends or family on a 12 hour flight.

We arrived in Ethiopia on Monday morning.  We showered, had lunch and then headed to the orphanage around 3 pm.  Honestly, my expectations were pretty low.  When Derek and I visited the orphanage on two previous trips, Abigail seemed pretty timid.  She had smiled for Derek once and spoken just a few words.  When I was there, she never smiled and actually cried quite loudly one of the days I visited.  And so, I never imagined that she would come running and jump into our arms and thank us for finally coming back for her.  Instead, I think the way things went down is pretty much what I thought would happen.  I thought either she'll be scared to death and won't talk for days or she'll just scream.  She chose to scream!

I had already processed that this could potentially be a traumatic day for this 2 1/2 yr. old.  She was leaving everything she had ever known and how did she know if she could trust us?  And how could you ever explain to a 2 1/2 year old that everything was going to be okay?

They brought Abigail down from upstairs and as soon as we started talking to her, the tears started to come.  The orphanage had several ceremonies they wanted to do and she screamed through almost all of it.   This is a picture of the "cutting of the cake".  She loved this nanny a whole lot.  She held on to her for dear life when they tried to place Abigail in our arms.  It was heartbreaking, but also encouraging that our sweet daughter had such deep love for this nanny.

And then there's this picture.  I sang, I kissed her, I whispered in her ear, I just kept telling her that it was going to be okay, but she wanted nothing of it.  She cried for almost 2 hours straight that day. Poor sweet girl.

It was just a reminder to me of the complexities of adoption.  There is great joy for the one receiving the child.  There is great grief for the one placing the child or giving the child into the arms of another.  And then the grief for the precious child that is losing everything that they have ever known to gain the unknown.  God gave me a heart of compassion that Monday.  I wasn't frustrated with her, just sad for her.  Her little heart was breaking.  

But I knew that God promised that He would turn our mourning into dancing....and I knew that someday, her mourning would turn to dancing too!

Cleared

It's been awhile since I have written anything on the blog.  There just hasn't been much to write.  I feel like every week just brought more disappointment.  We didn't hear from Embassy and then when we did, it wasn't encouraging news.  The details don't matter at this point, but once again I will tell you that if you found my journal, you might think my letters to God are inappropriate.  I decided awhile ago though that He already knows what I'm thinking, so I might as well just write it out.  There is some healing for me when I put it on paper.

Derek and I both thought Abigail would be home in May.  When April came to an end, we started to think that it wasn't happening in May.  We had hope....she's coming home in June.  But as May was quickly coming to an end, June seemed to be out of the picture as well.  I started to doubt whether all the summer clothes and bathing suits in her closet would even be worn this summer.  It seemed that the Embassy was requesting things that might be quite impossible to provide.  We thought "this case could be delayed for months".  Someone reminded me to fight for her.  How true....because no one is really fighting for her right now.  But we want her and we are willing to fight for her.

I wanted to call some government officials asap and ask for help. I was ready to put my fighting gear on.  I was willing to fly to Ethiopia and be like the persistent widow and knock on Embassy's door every day.   Derek said wait.  The next day, I wanted to call again.  I wanted to send an email or beg some people for help or something.  Derek said wait.  Last night I said, "when are we going to call?"  He said, give it this week and I'll call on Monday.  (Just a side note that I would've called him at 8:05am Monday morning to make sure that he had made the call....because I am persistent like that.)

I put something on facebook last night asking everyone to pray.  I woke up this morning at 1am and there wasn't an email from Embassy.  Disappointed.  I woke up at 6 am to no email.  Disappointed again.  I wanted to call Derek and tell him that we needed to call our senators tomorrow.  Enough is enough!  I knew what his answer would be....wait.  Because that's how we roll....I am always ready to do something about it and take charge and he knows when it's just best to wait.

Well, he was right.  At 8:50 this morning (4:50pm Ethiopia time), we got an email saying that the embassy had cleared our case.  I read the email about five times because I kept thinking that I must be reading it wrong.  What they asked my agency and us to provide, we couldn't provide.  But God moved some mountains and performed a miracle.  Somehow there was favor with our paperwork and our case is cleared.

We will be traveling sometime in June to bring sweet Abigail home.  And while there has been much disappointment over the last few years and months, so much of that seems to just be washed away as we rejoice that this one IS coming home SOON!