The Purpose of Brokenness

A.W. Tozer said, "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply."

I read that the other day in a devotional and it brought me to my knees. I've been wrestling with God since I've been home from Ethiopia. I'm tired of being "broken". There are so many conflicting emotions when I come home. You'd think I'd know how to deal with them (the emotions)...you'd think I'd be grateful for another opportunity to go and serve and then I'd be grateful to come home to a great family and a wonderful country. But that's not where my emotions rest each and every night. One phrase from a song keeps playing in my head, "I saw what I saw and I can't forget it". I saw malnourished babies. I saw houses that are entirely too small for two people to live in them, how eight people sleep in a room the size of my extra bathroom in my house, I just don't know. I saw little bitty ones playing in the road...walking right in front of the van and no one was even around to stop them from getting hit (thankfully our van was going very, very slow and we saw the little one). I saw a little girl on the side of the road wiping her bottom with a leaf....right there in the open for all to see. I went to an orphanage where there is no structure. Instead this orphanage had a room full of probably 75 two to five year olds who just hit, kick, spit and throw furniture just because they want to and maybe because no one has ever told them that it's wrong. I saw women bent over walking down a steep hill with probably 50 lbs. of firewood on their back. I don't know how they do it...I couldn't. I saw two nannies taking care of 45 children in one orphanage...about 25 of those children under the age of 1. I don't know how they do it....I couldn't. I saw 1000 people waiting in line for their only meal of the day.

How could I see all of that and come home like nothing had changed....like I had just taken a 12 day vacation to Africa. I came home to emotional upheaval. I came home to a broken spirit. I came home only able to go so deep emotionally otherwise I'd just spend my days crying. When I read that devotional I told the Lord that I just couldn't keep doing this. I was tired of being broken. I just didn't think I could handle much more emotionally....why in the world am I going back in less than a month?

And the Lord allowed me to read through the devotional with tears in my eyes. He allowed me to see Psalm 51:17 that says "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." And this quote from Robbie Symons, "Only through the soil of brokenness will the greatest fruit for Jesus Christ be produced." God uses broken people....there's all kinds of evidence throughout Scripture. God chooses to use the broken and the humble. There is power and purpose in brokenness. And so, I come to Him...completely broken, not sure of what He can make of all this mess because it sure seems like a mess to me. But He is a God who brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61).

And so, I'll go as long as He sends. I'll continue to allow him to hurt me deeply, so that through my brokenness and my weakness, He can show Himself strong.

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Oh there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

His Ways

In 2010, I picked which trip I wanted to lead in 2011. I picked the May trip because it was the only trip going to Ethiopia and Uganda in 2011. I love Ethiopia, but I really wanted to go back to Uganda.

Well, you know the drill. God's ways aren't always our ways and we never made it to Uganda. Wouldn't you know that the day we were supposed to fly into Uganda was the same day that the new president was being sworn in and the old president was trying to return to Uganda from Kenya. The road from the airport to Kampala in Uganda was closed and their were riots on the road. So, Visiting Orphans wisely made the decision for the team not to travel and to stay in Ethiopia.

The team was understandably disappointed. We were so excited about visiting some new ministries in Uganda, but God had one place on His heart and that's where we spent a lot of our "extra" time in Ethiopia. Restoration Orphanage. As a team, we painted, we held babies, we bathed babies, we cleaned bathrooms, we sorted through clothes, we played with some older kids who desperately need some love and attention, and we fed some babies that are entirely too small. Actually some of us wept over some babies that are so tiny. It's just not right and when life in Ethiopia is already so hard, those images are the ones that I can't shake. I held one baby that was so tiny, you didn't even know you had a baby in your arms. It just felt like a blanket in my arms. The pictures don't even do justice to how tiny these babies are.

BUT, after just a few days of some good formula and some consistent feedings. They were filling out. There is hope, there is redemption and there is a future for these precious babies. Thank you to Ashli and Sumer for caring and for not turning your back to those in need. The task ahead seems impossible, but then again I know that we serve a mountain moving God and that His ways always prevail!

And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward. Matthew 10:42

Adoption Update

Hey Friends!

So if you didn't figure it out and if you're not on facebook, yes we are adopting from Africa... a place that Derek and I both love dearly.

Our kids are excited and Derek and I are once again drowning in adoption paperwork and forms. It is all too familiar as we've done this three times already, but now we're adding the international twist to it. We have completed our homestudy and are now beginning to collect documents for our dossier. Fun stuff!

I could give you plenty of reasons why we shouldn't be doing this....we're old, it costs a lot of money, our kids are all in school and our schedules aren't as crazy as they were in the preschool years, we are finally all sleeping through the night, we are old (did I already say that?), Derek said that we shouldn't jump on the adoption bandwagon (I told him we were already on that wagon), but seriously we're not the type of people to do things because it's the "in thing". We are the type of people to do things though because it's the "right thing" to do.

And so after seeing what we've seen and holding little ones that need homes, we decided that this is the right thing to do for our family. I read this a few months ago, "the key to happiness is not being loved, it is having someone to love." Derek Prince

We think we have a little more love to give and there are plenty of precious children that just need someone to love them.

And so, our journey begins....