30 to 40

In 30 days, I'll be turning 40.  I'm not really the sentimental type, but I have been thinking the last few days if my life looks like what I thought it'd look like at 40.  No way.  Not sure what I thought it'd look like, but there are many things that have been "unexpected" on this path.  The Lord has been very good to me, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there was some heartbreak and disappointment along the way.  But I can say that God has used that heartbreak and disappointment to refine me.  (And I'll admit that there's still a lot of refinement that needs to be done!)

Derek asked about a month ago if I wanted a party for my birthday or did I just want to get some friends together and go to dinner, etc.?  That's how Derek rolls....he's already thinking in September about what needs to happen in November.  I'm thinking, I just have to get through today and then tonight I'll look at my calendar for tomorrow.  :)

But since Derek asked several times, I knew that I couldn't keep procrastinating and that I'd need to give him an answer.  I want 2 things for my 40th birthday.

1. To go skydiving.  Our groupon is purchased and as long as the weather stays good, Derek and I will be doing this sometime in November.  If not, it'll have to wait until next spring, because the thought of jumping out of a plane into freezing cold air in the middle of winter....well there's nothing exciting about that to me!

2. The second thing I want is an answer regarding our adoption.  We have been praying for 19+ months for the Lord to open doors.  The doors never seem to swing wide open, but they never seem to close completely either.  Each time we think the door has closed, something happens that encourages us to press on and fight for a particular little boy.  And so for the next 30 days, I am going to pray like I never have before.  I am going to beg the Lord to intervene on our behalf (just like the widow who was persistent with the judge in Luke 18).

How can you help?

I don't want a party for my birthday.  I don't want any gifts.  I just want the Lord to answer the cry of our hearts and move the mountains that need to be moved or I want the Lord to give us release from this journey.  In some ways, I feel like the Lord has been silent the last few months and so we just stay on the path that we're on trusting that He's working behind the scenes.

And so, friends, you can pray for us.  Some of my sweetest friends have been praying right along with us for 19+ months, but I'm asking for some additional friends that will pray intentionally for the next 30 days.  I am asking the Lord to give us clear direction and clear answers by the time I'm 40 on November 25th.  We are surrendered to His plan.

Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Psalm 111:2

Still Wrestling

The last few days, I feel like I've been wrestling with God again or maybe I should say that I'm still wrestling with Him.  I remembered writing a post about this and so I went looking for it today.  Interestingly enough, I wrote that post on 10/11/11.  It's very interesting to me that one year later on 10/12/12, I'm writing basically the same post.  I'm still wrestling with God.

If you're not familiar with the story, it's found in Genesis 32.  A man (God) wrestled with Jacob.  Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  The Lord blessed Jacob.  And Jacob called the place Peniel,  saying "It is because I saw God face to face".  From that day forward, Jacob walked with a limp because God had "touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched".

There's not much of an update on the adoption of our little guy.  I continue to beg the Lord to bless us and to open wide the doors and to allow favor to fall on our paperwork.  But we just continue to wrestle through prayer, because every time we take a step forward, we also take a step backward in our paperwork.  We don't want to give up until the Lord closes the door.  But it's been almost 20 months since we started this process.  Some days I'm just tired of the wrestling and I want to quit.  But there is something in me that just won't let the Lord go.  Not until He blesses us.

This is what I wrote one year ago and it sums up how I feel today.
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there's a part of me that fears or wonders if we'll walk with a limp the rest of our lives. If at some point in this journey, we will have a broken heart. It's possible. But it's also possible, that God will move the mountains that need to be moved and we'll have an incredible testimony of God's goodness in the story of our son. And whichever way God chooses, I know that His ways are higher than my ways. And if it doesn't go the way I am praying and believing with great faith, He is still good. I don't think we got on the wrong path...I think God just has us in a place where we'll wrestle with Him and through the wrestling, we are truly encountering God.

I have cried more tears in the last 20 months then I think I have in the other 38 years of my life combined.  But there is a sweetness that comes when you know God sees you (Genesis 16:13) and He catches your tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).  This faith journey has been hard and it's not over yet.  I am trusting that the Lord's blessing is coming.  And I won't let go of Him until it comes!