Happy 13th Stephen

I am the mom of a teenager.  40 doesn't seem that old to me until I realize that I have a teenager in the house.  In just a few years, he'll be asking to borrow my car.  Okay, realistically, he'll be asking to borrow Derek's car because I drive a minivan.

Stephen and I are opposites.  We are like two pieces of sandpaper being rubbed together sometimes.  I believe this was the Lord's plan all along because in the process, Stephen and I are both getting our rough edges refined by each other.  God is smoothing out the grit in our lives!

He is talented musically.  He is creative and can draw things very well.  His memory is excellent and he gets good grades in school without even trying very hard.  I do believe that he really can do anything that he wants with his life because he has the academic ability.  He loves serving in the preschool department at church and he's social like his Tennessee Papa.  He loves to point out everyone that we know in every store and/or restaurant that we enter.  Sometimes I think he's just looking for someone that we know....maybe that's the southern way?

Anyway, he truly is a blessing to our family.  He was born just a week before Christmas and there isn't anything better than a sweet little baby at Christmas.

I'm proud of the young man that he's becoming!  

Delayed Answers

There isn't any major news in our adoption at this point.  We are praying for news very soon, but nothing has really changed.  Well, there is something that changed.  God changed me.  I prayed and fasted for the 30 days leading up to my birthday.  And while I secretly hoped (maybe it wasn't so secretly) that there would be a miraculous breakthrough during that time period, the Lord chose to keep us in the refiner's fire just a little bit longer.  I am reading a fabulous book by Bob Sorge about this very thing and it's made the trial and the delayed answer almost taste sweet.

This book is a great reminder that God is sovereign and that He has a purpose in the pain. Here are a few quotes to ponder.

"When God does something to you, all you can do is submit and pray and wait for God to fulfill His purposes." Bob Sorge p. 51

"When God brings distress, pain, affliction, and suffering into our lives, He does so for a purpose.  He wants to enlarge our hearts.  But our hearts are resistant to change.  In order for the enlargement to be complete, the period of pain must be long enough in duration to complete the work.  We don't know how long that is, only God does.And that's why God often responds to our cries for deliverance with the words, "Not yet."  All we want is for the pain to stop; but He wants something far more valuable.  God's going for the gold.  He wants the gold of a refined character, of an enlarged heart.  He wants the crucible to make us more like Christ.  And He's committed to sustaining the heat until the work is complete."  Sorge p. 144

"God can out-wait anybody.  He just waits and waits, while the crisis looms larger and larger, and He waits some more.  He waits until the crisis becomes an impossible predicament.  And then He waits some more!  Finally, when the remotest chance of escape is completely gone, God intervenes suddenly and miraculously."  Sorge p. 156

Abraham and Sarah were given a promise and waited 25 years for that promise to be fulfilled.  Jesus waited 30 years to begin his public ministry.  Both of those examples make our 20 month wait seem very, very short.

All I can say is that God is good and God is faithful.  I don't know the outcome of this trial, but I know that this trial has brought intimacy with the Lord and for that I am extremely thankful.  The Psalms and the book of Isaiah have brought me much comfort and hope as we wait on the Lord.  We know that our great God is in the details.  He is writing this story and ultimately all we can do is "submit and pray and wait for God."  We know that He will not disappoint!

Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.  For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him.  Isaiah 30:18

Support our Adoption

If you want to contribute towards our adoption as well as get some cool product, consider making a purchase from the 147 Million Orphan website.  You have to use this link in order for us to get credit.

Jordan Adoption

We only get credit if you use this link or if you order directly from me.  If you live in my area, I will be placing an order on Monday morning, November 12th.  You can email me directly and tell me what you'd like to order and it'll save you some money on shipping.

Thanks for supporting us as we pray a sweet little one home!

30 to 40

In 30 days, I'll be turning 40.  I'm not really the sentimental type, but I have been thinking the last few days if my life looks like what I thought it'd look like at 40.  No way.  Not sure what I thought it'd look like, but there are many things that have been "unexpected" on this path.  The Lord has been very good to me, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there was some heartbreak and disappointment along the way.  But I can say that God has used that heartbreak and disappointment to refine me.  (And I'll admit that there's still a lot of refinement that needs to be done!)

Derek asked about a month ago if I wanted a party for my birthday or did I just want to get some friends together and go to dinner, etc.?  That's how Derek rolls....he's already thinking in September about what needs to happen in November.  I'm thinking, I just have to get through today and then tonight I'll look at my calendar for tomorrow.  :)

But since Derek asked several times, I knew that I couldn't keep procrastinating and that I'd need to give him an answer.  I want 2 things for my 40th birthday.

1. To go skydiving.  Our groupon is purchased and as long as the weather stays good, Derek and I will be doing this sometime in November.  If not, it'll have to wait until next spring, because the thought of jumping out of a plane into freezing cold air in the middle of winter....well there's nothing exciting about that to me!

2. The second thing I want is an answer regarding our adoption.  We have been praying for 19+ months for the Lord to open doors.  The doors never seem to swing wide open, but they never seem to close completely either.  Each time we think the door has closed, something happens that encourages us to press on and fight for a particular little boy.  And so for the next 30 days, I am going to pray like I never have before.  I am going to beg the Lord to intervene on our behalf (just like the widow who was persistent with the judge in Luke 18).

How can you help?

I don't want a party for my birthday.  I don't want any gifts.  I just want the Lord to answer the cry of our hearts and move the mountains that need to be moved or I want the Lord to give us release from this journey.  In some ways, I feel like the Lord has been silent the last few months and so we just stay on the path that we're on trusting that He's working behind the scenes.

And so, friends, you can pray for us.  Some of my sweetest friends have been praying right along with us for 19+ months, but I'm asking for some additional friends that will pray intentionally for the next 30 days.  I am asking the Lord to give us clear direction and clear answers by the time I'm 40 on November 25th.  We are surrendered to His plan.

Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Psalm 111:2

Still Wrestling

The last few days, I feel like I've been wrestling with God again or maybe I should say that I'm still wrestling with Him.  I remembered writing a post about this and so I went looking for it today.  Interestingly enough, I wrote that post on 10/11/11.  It's very interesting to me that one year later on 10/12/12, I'm writing basically the same post.  I'm still wrestling with God.

If you're not familiar with the story, it's found in Genesis 32.  A man (God) wrestled with Jacob.  Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  The Lord blessed Jacob.  And Jacob called the place Peniel,  saying "It is because I saw God face to face".  From that day forward, Jacob walked with a limp because God had "touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched".

There's not much of an update on the adoption of our little guy.  I continue to beg the Lord to bless us and to open wide the doors and to allow favor to fall on our paperwork.  But we just continue to wrestle through prayer, because every time we take a step forward, we also take a step backward in our paperwork.  We don't want to give up until the Lord closes the door.  But it's been almost 20 months since we started this process.  Some days I'm just tired of the wrestling and I want to quit.  But there is something in me that just won't let the Lord go.  Not until He blesses us.

This is what I wrote one year ago and it sums up how I feel today.
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there's a part of me that fears or wonders if we'll walk with a limp the rest of our lives. If at some point in this journey, we will have a broken heart. It's possible. But it's also possible, that God will move the mountains that need to be moved and we'll have an incredible testimony of God's goodness in the story of our son. And whichever way God chooses, I know that His ways are higher than my ways. And if it doesn't go the way I am praying and believing with great faith, He is still good. I don't think we got on the wrong path...I think God just has us in a place where we'll wrestle with Him and through the wrestling, we are truly encountering God.

I have cried more tears in the last 20 months then I think I have in the other 38 years of my life combined.  But there is a sweetness that comes when you know God sees you (Genesis 16:13) and He catches your tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).  This faith journey has been hard and it's not over yet.  I am trusting that the Lord's blessing is coming.  And I won't let go of Him until it comes!

I'm Believing God for Something Greater

Steven Furtick...he is one of my favorite preachers and authors.  He speaks in ways that speak to my heart.  My kids would say that he yells when he preaches, so I guess sometimes I need that.  I think he just has passion and is excited about what he's telling you.  :)

His newest book is called Greater.  It's subtitle is Dream Bigger.  Start Smaller.  Ignite God's Vision for Your Life.  The book is developed around the life of Elisha in the Old Testament.

It's a quick and great read to encourage you to keep believing God for big things.  One of the chapters is called Digging Ditches and it talks about how you have to do the work and then prepare for the rain.

Digging ditches…God has a downpour scheduled in your near future.  The deeper you dig, the greater the rainfall has the potential to be.

Sometimes as your faith is getting greater, your situation is getting worser.  Sometimes you pray in great faith, act in great obedience – and the miracle still doesn’t come.  The ditch stays dry.  You still have only one jar of oil.  Sometimes you’ve done everything you know to do and in the end you’re left with a sense of disappointment with God, even a sense that God has failed you.  And if you have never experienced a moment like that, well, quite honestly you haven’t lived long enough.  

Another chapter tells us that God doesn't waste our faith.

In not one of those instances did God misappropriate His children’s faith.  Not an ounce of it was wasted.  Even when it seemed as if He was deaf to their prayers, He was collecting their faith and making a plan to use it in a greater way.

God is working on our behalf even when our prayers don’t seem to be working at all.  Maybe one day we’ll see that the greatest setbacks in our lives were actually the greatest setups to see God’s glory in places we didn’t even know to look.

This book encouraged me to believe God for something greater.  It encouraged me not to be content with things as they are, but to keep praying for big things.  We are trying to instill that same desire in our children.  One is praying for more integrity, one is praying for more friends and one is praying for God to help him be more organized.  They are not happy with the status quo either....they want things to change.  They are believing God for something greater and Derek and I are as well.

Whenever you do what God has called you to do – in any situation, in any given moment – He will do something greater.

Green with Envy

I've read a few of Craig Groeschel's books and enjoyed them, so of course I ordered his newest book as soon as it became available.  I read it within a few weeks, but have delayed (for months) writing this post because it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

But in the spirit of authenticity, I'm going to share how this book spoke straight to my heart.  If you can't handle straight forward truth and brutal honesty, please don't read on.

It's called Soul Detox -- Clean Living in a Contaminated World.  It is broken into three parts -- Toxic Behaviors, Toxic Emotions and Toxic Influences.  The whole book was good, but there was one chapter that was shocking to me.  It was shocking because I never knew that this topic had such a stronghold in my life.

The title is Green with Envy: Scratching the Poison Ivy of Comparison.

"Envy is when you resent God's goodness in other people's lives and ignore God's goodness in your own life" Groeschel

It might be that you envy someone else's house, someone else's car, someone's teeny tiny figure, someone's financial status, someone's obedient children, someone's vacation, someone's _____________.  You fill in the blank.

For me, it was someone else's answered prayer. I felt like God was hearing everyone else and answering their prayers and ours continued to remain unanswered.  And I could give you a list of reasons why in my finite, selfish mind, God should answer our prayers.  We are serving in the church...I'm on church staff for crying out loud, we give money to missions and to the church, we go on mission trips, we sponsor a couple of children in a couple of countries, we pray for those who are sick, we reach out to those that are hurting and we buy a paper which benefits the homeless people in the Nashville community.  (My list could do on but you get the point.) I'm ashamed to admit that my list was all about what "we were doing and not doing".  God doesn't work like that.  He's probably not that interested in our check list of things we do or don't do, because that's not how His accounting system works.  He loves us whether we "do" or whether we "don't".

In all honesty, I feel like every possible facebook friend that I have that is waiting on an adoption referral has received a referral or has already brought the child home. We continue to wait.  I can rejoice with those who rejoice.  In some of these cases, I have been in the trenches of prayer with these families and I truly am happy.  But it is always a little bittersweet...there is a little sting.  Lord, why aren't you answering our prayer?  Why aren't we any closer to bringing our little boy home?  Did we hear you wrong?  Is there sin in my life?....  And the envy and comparison sets in.  And I wonder what God is doing because in my human mind none of this makes sense at all.  It doesn't seem fair.  And I find myself "resenting God's goodness in other people's lives and ignoring God's goodness in my own life". I quickly realized that I was fretting and despairing over what I didn't have and not even seeing the good that God has given.

I have a great husband.  I have three beautiful domestically adopted children that are amazing testimonies of God's faithfulness and that He does answer prayer.  I have a nice house and a great church.  Derek has a good job.  I have absolutely the best friends and family that are walking this incredibly long journey with us and continue to encourage us.  And I found that when I counted my blessings and praised God for His goodness...the envy subsided, the comparison went away because the path He has for us is not the path He has for another.  Their wait wasn't supposed to be as long as ours and their story is just that...their story.  

I have lots of favorite verses in the Bible and I continue to get more.  What is so very neat is that my friends consistently send me about the same 10 verses.  I have to believe that these are the verses that we are supposed to claim for our adoption journey.  This was a favorite of mine before we started this process and today I received it from a friend (this is the third friend to send it).  This is my hope today!

I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see Your goodness, O Lord in the land of the living.  I will hope in You and be of good courage, and You will strengthen my heart; YES, I will hope in You, O Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

Don't think that I still don't have days when I struggle with envy and comparison.  I do.  But I now recognize it in my life and quickly realize that this emotion is toxic and it isn't from the Lord.  What unanswered prayer do you have?  What does someone else have that you want?  Stop and see the goodness in your own life.  Thank Him for all that He has given.  And hope in Him, because even if the answer never comes, He is enough.

I am not what I want to be.  But still, I am not what I used to be.  And by the grace of God, I am what I am.  John Newton

The Frustration of Sarah

Nothing has changed with our adoption....we just continue to wait and pray and wait some more and pray some more.

I often think about Abraham and Sarah.  How God promised them a son and it took so long for the fulfillment of that promise to come to pass.  They must have doubted and thought that maybe God meant something different.  Maybe they misunderstood.  That's exactly where I find myself some days.  Were we really supposed to walk down this path?  Did we hear God correctly?  Maybe we misunderstood.  This road of waiting is hard.

Sarah didn't respond the right way.  She was frustrated.  The wait was too long and she wasn't getting any younger.  She decided to take matters into her own hands and run ahead of God.  And her husband didn't say, "Let's wait on God".  He did what Sarah suggested and Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.  Sarah's stepson and Isaac (their promised son's) half brother.  You can read the entire account in Genesis if you're not familiar with the story.  But it all turned into a big mess....a mess that has lasted for generations.  All because Sarah didn't wait on God.

I am determined that we're not going to run ahead of God.  Some days I want to.  When I find out about a child that needs a home, I want to just say, "Okay, we have room, this will end all the agony of the wait".  But God has not called us to that.  He has called us to wait.  He has called us to wait on Him to act.  It would be disobedient at this point for us to open our home to another.

Our adoption is completely out of our control.  We still don't know if it'll work.  We do know that we are on the path that we are supposed to be on.  We have begged God to close the door if He has something different for us.  I have cried and pleaded and begged God to intervene one way or the other.

And friend after friend after friend continue to send me Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

I know that so many have been praying for something for years and God isn't answering.  It seems that He isn't working or that He doesn't care, because nothing changes.  But you have to believe that God is good and that He is working even when we can't see it.

"The apparent lack of an answer does not mean God is not working.  It means we are not yet supposed to know what God has already ordained.  We cannot confuse silence with inactivity.  Priebe

Keep praying.  Keep believing.  Have hope.  Have peace.  During these times of waiting, we have to put our faith and trust in the promises of God that He is faithful and He is good.  He is sovereign and nothing can thwart His plans.  I know it's hard.  I know it hurts.  I know some days it just seems that the answer will never come.  But it's coming....never give up!

Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD. Psalm 31:24

Elizabeth's Double Digit Birthday

Ten years ago at 11:30 am, a precious birthmother placed the sweetest baby girl in our arms.  Our Elizabeth Grace entered the world.  She would come home to a 2 1/2 yr. old brother and a 12 month old brother.  Our house was full of activity and diapers and all things baby....oh and very little sleep.  But we wouldn't trade it for anything this world has to offer.
She is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us.  We are so thankful for her.  She has the sweetest and kindest spirit.  She is the most thankful and thoughtful of our children.  This is not because of anything we have done, but because God has given her the gift of encouragement.
We love the joy she brings to our family and so today we celebrate her!

1st Day of 7th, 5th and 4th

Oh my, they are growing so fast!  Where did my three little preschoolers go?

       

Happy 11th Matthew!

In the spring of 2001, we decided to pursue a second adoption.  We were living with my parents and building a house.  Why we decided to add the craziness of a home study to the craziness of building a house is beyond my understanding.  Everyone had to get medical physicals including my parents and my adult brother because we were all living in the same house.  Everyone got interviewed by the social worker and everyone was tested for HIV.  It amazes me all that you have to do to adopt, but it is worth every bit of paperwork and every medical visit and every paper chase that has to be done.

We had our paperwork in with two agencies.  An agency in Virginia that we used for the adoption of Stephen and also our agency in Michigan that was doing our home study.  Around June, we decided to pull our paperwork from our Michigan agency because we were paying fees to both agencies and decided to just focus on one agency.  Somehow our paperwork was never pulled, but we didn't know that until the fall of 2001.

On August 1, 2001, a very happy little boy was born on the other side of Michigan.  We wouldn't find out about him until late August/early September and he wouldn't be in our home until October, but God was working on our behalf.

 In October 2001, Matthew (his name means a gift from God) joined our family.  When we gave him that name, we knew he was a gift, but 11 years later, I know that he is a very precious gift.  Our house would not have as much laughter if it wasn't for him.  He thinks that nothing is impossible.  He is hot or cold, there is no lukewarm with Matthew.  He'll talk to anyone that will listen to him and he thinks that everyone wants to talk to him.  :)  His smile lights up a room....it did when he was a baby, it did when he was a preschooler and it does even now.

He is a reminder to me that God is faithful and that even when we can't see Him working, He is working on our behalf.  I am so thankful that God blessed us with such a faith filled son!  Truly, nothing is impossible with God!

Happy 11th Birthday Matthew!

Sowing in Tears

Here's a little adoption update which really isn't much of an update at all.  We have been praying for good news from Africa for the last 45 days.  On two separate days, we thought we were close to getting the good news, but both times we didn't get good news.  We didn't necessarily get a closed door, but for whatever reason, our case seems to be stuck.  We haven't been able to get that final breakthrough which would then put us into the next steps of the process.

My faith remains strong that we are on the right road, however, my heart hurts deeply.  I do not understand all this waiting.  It has been 16 months since we started this process.  I am ready for our little guy to be home.  I know the Lord wants to teach us in this "waiting period", but some days it is just so hard to yield to His plans and His timing.

I am thankful that His mercies are new each morning.  I need His strength to stay on this difficult journey.

Psalm 126:5 says that those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.  I am holding onto the truth that one day there will be some joyful shouting!

Thanks for walking this journey with us!

A New and Old Season

Many of you know that previously I was the older preschool director at our church.  We attend a church that has a lot of preschoolers so I was responsible for the three year olds thru kindergarten.  This included Sunday School, preschool worship, Sunday night preschool choir, etc.  I had the awesome privilege of working with three great women, Angela, Sumer and Amber.  Angela, Sumer and I went to Africa together in December of 2009.  If you know me at all, then you know that Sumer and her family decided to move to Africa in June 2010.  With Sumer's transition, the Lord also presented transition for me.  I left a work environment that I loved dearly to pursue a passion of my heart.  That passion is missions and more specifically Africa.  I work part time at Visiting Orphans and coordinate some of the Ethiopia trips.

Angela, me and Sumer in Africa (April 2012)

I love my job at Visiting Orphans.  It truly is a dream job for me.  VO is currently involved in sending teams to 13 different countries.  The passion this ministry has for the orphans of this world is unbelievable.  The cool thing is that the staff is living it out.  They are leading teams because they want to.  They are adopting because they want to.  They are involved in other orphan awareness ministries because they want to, not because it's required of them or part of their job description.

God began stirring in my heart around Christmas that change was coming.  I thought that it was because a little boy was coming to our family soon, but I then realized that it was going to be ministry related.  I knew that God was telling me that I would be quitting VO.  I didn't understand it.  I love my job!  I love what I do and the people I work with.  I love Ethiopia and the people of Ethiopia.  There is great joy in seeing a team leave for Africa and then come home forever changed.

But God knew that my husband's job would be transitioning and that I'd need to be home more.  He knows when our 4th child is coming into our home and that I'll need to be home more.  He knew that my "old job" as older preschool director would have an opening and that I'd jump right back into that ministry and love it.

And so it is with joy and sadness that I announce my resignation from Visiting Orphans, but my new/old job as older preschool director at our church.  I am now working with three great friends at church....Angela, Amber and Ashley.  I will finish out the month of June at Visiting Orphans and still stay actively involved with that ministry and with my wonderful friends there.  I will still be involved with Project 61 and my friend Sumer.  I am also involved in our church's new orphan and adoption ministry.  And I am praying that I can reveal a sweet little boy's face to you soon and introduce you to our son.  And once he's home, I'll have a preschooler in the preschool ministry once again.

God's ways are higher.  2012 has been a year of trusting and obedience!

The will of God for your life is simply that you submit yourself to Him each day and say, "Father, Your will for today is mine. Your pleasure for today is mine. Your work for today is mine. I trust You to be God. You lead me today and I will follow." Kay Arthur

Eyes Wide Open

Just finished this little book and oh my, we have a lot of work to do at both educating and equipping our children.  I will definitely be praying more fervently and playing the "what if" game a lot more with my kids, because there are a lot of aggressive girls and clueless boys walking around the middle schools and high schools.

And I pray that Elizabeth is not one of those aggressive girls and that Stephen and Matthew aren't clueless boys.  Because after reading this book, I know for sure that aggressive girls and clueless boys don't end up obeying God, they end up in trouble.

If you have pre-teen or teen boys, I'd recommend this 118 page book so that you're clued in with what's really happening on Facebook and through texting and parties.  This book has a lot of practical information about how to talk to your boys about situations that they will face and to equip them to be "strong and courageous" and turn away from temptation.  It's something that they'll need for the rest of their lives, because aggressive girls come in all ages!  I'd encourage you to be informed and take the time to read this book or another book like it!

Our Adoption-- But even if He does not....

I wish that I had some clear answers and some great news, but I don't.  We have been in this process for over a year and it still seems that we have some unanswered questions.

We are praying for clarity this week.  We are specifically praying that there would be some movement in our case this week or that God would close the door.

We believe that we are on the path that God intended for us to walk.  It has been a difficult path however to walk.  I have cried more tears in the last year, then I think I have in the previous 17 of marriage.  But my God is sweeter and more tender than I've ever known Him to be.  He has surrounded me with incredible friends and family.  He gives me small reminders and glimpses of His love often.

I'm doing two different Bible studies right now (one for church, one for work) and they are both focusing on hearing from God and how to hear from Him and how you know if it's really Him, etc.

And today, God brought me back full circle to a story in Daniel 3.  It's the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  It's a story that Derek and I related to as we walked through infertility and in-invitro which resulted in a lost pregnancy.

If you remember the story, King Nebuchadnezzar was going to throw them into the fiery furnace because they wouldn't bow down to the golden image.  But these men said, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

And I am right back at those verses almost 13 years later.  God is able to deliver us and move this adoption forward.  I do not know for sure though if He will.  We have been obedient to what God has asked us to do.  We have prayed with great faith for Him to move mountains and we believe that He is still able.  But even if He does not, we will still serve Him and we will still love Him.  "We should be faithful to serve God whether He intervenes on our behalf or not."

And with that, that's the update.  We don't really have one except that we're resolved to serve Him whether we get our miracle or not.  We pray that we'll be just like those three men.... "there was no smell of fire on them".  (v. 27)  May we be more like Jesus because of this faith journey regardless of the outcome.  May the refiner's fire leave a sweet aroma for Christ instead of the smell of fire.

A Different Perspective

One thing I love about reading the Bible is how stories can seem "new" or "fresh" even though you've read them several times.  There's a story that refreshed me from a different perspective in the last month.  It's a story that I've read many times.  It's in Genesis which means that I've read it the last few Januarys as part of my "read thru the Bible in a year plan".  Unfortunately, I still have yet to get to Revelation.

It's in Genesis 16 and it's the story of Sarai and Hagar.  In years past, I would always relate to Sarai.  She is infertile and she's looking to "help God" fulfill His promise to make her a mother.  Hagar, her maid, gets pregnant and this irritates Sarai.  And so Sarai doesn't treat her kindly which is so ironic because Hagar is pregnant because of Sarai's idea to "help God".  

How many times do I try to "help God" and it just turns into a big, fat mess?

Sarah treats Hagar unkindly (my translation says harshly) and Hagar runs away.  The angel of the Lord appears to Hagar and tells her to go back to Sarai.  He gives her some other promises about her son and the generations to come.  Verses 13-14 are the verses that encouraged my heart.  Hagar named the place Beer-lahai-roi (the well of the living one who sees me).  She says "You are a God who sees".  Sometimes, we can't see Him.  We can't see Him working.  It seems that He is far away.  But He isn't.  He is a God who sees our heartache.  He is a God who sees our pain.  He is a God who sees that we were treated harshly or unfairly.  He is a God who is working on our behalf all the time.  God does not slumber or sleep (Psalm 121). 

He is El Roi....the God who sees.  And even if you can't see Him through your tears and heartache, He is there and He sees you and He is actively working on your behalf.

I Missed the Memo

I like the first message from Stephen.

They forgot to inform me that I was being sent away for the summer and that's why Matthew is wishing me a great summer!  :)

Mourning Into Dancing

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday.  It comes with a lot of emotions mixed in on this day.  On one side is happiness.  I am thankful for my mom.  I had a great childhood.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law.  She is a blessing.

On the other side though is sadness.  On this day, my heart aches for those women that desperately want to be mommas and God hasn't answered that prayer.  The day brings a lot of memories flooding back of sitting through a church service on this day just wishing that God would "give me the desire of my heart."  God did, in His time.  I am very thankful for Stephen, Matthew and Elizabeth.  They are a lot of fun and a lot of work...I guess that's what motherhood is.  I am thankful for their birthmothers that gave them life.   It's because of them that I get to be a mother.

Today I am sad for a dear friend who just recently lost her mother. Mother's Day is hard.  I am sad for three women that I know are "celebrating" Mother's Day without their husbands who left this earth far too young.  Mother's Day is hard.  And then my friends that are praying and hoping that this would be the month that they would get pregnant.  Mother's Day is hard.  Mother's Day stirs a lot of emotions in many and for whatever reason on this day, I fall on the sad side.

But, my God is faithful.  And He has turned my mourning into dancing and I am trusting that He will do the same for those who walk through this day with heavy hearts.

A friend of mine wrote this and I thought it so accurately describes this day.  Thanks to my friend Angie for putting into words what so many feel.

There is a special group of women

You might not know or recognize.

They are the ones on Mother’s Day

With big tears in their eyes.

They may greet you with a smile today

Because today is your day too.

But deep down they feel much sorrow

They are hoping just to make it through.

Today a mom will get a beautiful card

Thanking her for all she does.

She works for free, all day long

And she does so 'just because.'

But some mothers may not get a card

For there is no longer a child to see.

But please do not forget these moms

They still love their children endlessly.

Many women have a child or two

That everyone can see.

But sometimes there is a little one missing –

One who now lives as a memory.

For not every precious child that is born

Makes memories with mom for years.

Some are called to be with Jesus

And these mothers are left with tears.

For the mother who will never forget

The day her almost grown child died,

For the mother who held a tiny little angel

And too soon had to say goodbye,

For the mother who held her child

Only a few weeks in her womb,

We remember you this mother’s day

Because today is your day too. 

And please don't forget the mom's out there

Who were at a loss for what to do,

When they gave their child to someone else

And prayed for God to see them through.

They knew their child deserved nothing less 

Than the best life had to offer,

So they gave their child a chance at life -

They gave their child a second mother. 

A non-traditional mother 

Should be remembered all year through.

And on Mother's Day 2012

Here is a special prayer for you:

May you feel God's comfort and His peace

May your heart sing a little today

As you celebrate the life you gave

In your own special and wonderful way.