Still Wrestling

The last few days, I feel like I've been wrestling with God again or maybe I should say that I'm still wrestling with Him.  I remembered writing a post about this and so I went looking for it today.  Interestingly enough, I wrote that post on 10/11/11.  It's very interesting to me that one year later on 10/12/12, I'm writing basically the same post.  I'm still wrestling with God.

If you're not familiar with the story, it's found in Genesis 32.  A man (God) wrestled with Jacob.  Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  The Lord blessed Jacob.  And Jacob called the place Peniel,  saying "It is because I saw God face to face".  From that day forward, Jacob walked with a limp because God had "touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched".

There's not much of an update on the adoption of our little guy.  I continue to beg the Lord to bless us and to open wide the doors and to allow favor to fall on our paperwork.  But we just continue to wrestle through prayer, because every time we take a step forward, we also take a step backward in our paperwork.  We don't want to give up until the Lord closes the door.  But it's been almost 20 months since we started this process.  Some days I'm just tired of the wrestling and I want to quit.  But there is something in me that just won't let the Lord go.  Not until He blesses us.

This is what I wrote one year ago and it sums up how I feel today.
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there's a part of me that fears or wonders if we'll walk with a limp the rest of our lives. If at some point in this journey, we will have a broken heart. It's possible. But it's also possible, that God will move the mountains that need to be moved and we'll have an incredible testimony of God's goodness in the story of our son. And whichever way God chooses, I know that His ways are higher than my ways. And if it doesn't go the way I am praying and believing with great faith, He is still good. I don't think we got on the wrong path...I think God just has us in a place where we'll wrestle with Him and through the wrestling, we are truly encountering God.

I have cried more tears in the last 20 months then I think I have in the other 38 years of my life combined.  But there is a sweetness that comes when you know God sees you (Genesis 16:13) and He catches your tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).  This faith journey has been hard and it's not over yet.  I am trusting that the Lord's blessing is coming.  And I won't let go of Him until it comes!