Happy 13th Stephen

I am the mom of a teenager.  40 doesn't seem that old to me until I realize that I have a teenager in the house.  In just a few years, he'll be asking to borrow my car.  Okay, realistically, he'll be asking to borrow Derek's car because I drive a minivan.

Stephen and I are opposites.  We are like two pieces of sandpaper being rubbed together sometimes.  I believe this was the Lord's plan all along because in the process, Stephen and I are both getting our rough edges refined by each other.  God is smoothing out the grit in our lives!

He is talented musically.  He is creative and can draw things very well.  His memory is excellent and he gets good grades in school without even trying very hard.  I do believe that he really can do anything that he wants with his life because he has the academic ability.  He loves serving in the preschool department at church and he's social like his Tennessee Papa.  He loves to point out everyone that we know in every store and/or restaurant that we enter.  Sometimes I think he's just looking for someone that we know....maybe that's the southern way?

Anyway, he truly is a blessing to our family.  He was born just a week before Christmas and there isn't anything better than a sweet little baby at Christmas.

I'm proud of the young man that he's becoming!  

Delayed Answers

There isn't any major news in our adoption at this point.  We are praying for news very soon, but nothing has really changed.  Well, there is something that changed.  God changed me.  I prayed and fasted for the 30 days leading up to my birthday.  And while I secretly hoped (maybe it wasn't so secretly) that there would be a miraculous breakthrough during that time period, the Lord chose to keep us in the refiner's fire just a little bit longer.  I am reading a fabulous book by Bob Sorge about this very thing and it's made the trial and the delayed answer almost taste sweet.

This book is a great reminder that God is sovereign and that He has a purpose in the pain. Here are a few quotes to ponder.

"When God does something to you, all you can do is submit and pray and wait for God to fulfill His purposes." Bob Sorge p. 51

"When God brings distress, pain, affliction, and suffering into our lives, He does so for a purpose.  He wants to enlarge our hearts.  But our hearts are resistant to change.  In order for the enlargement to be complete, the period of pain must be long enough in duration to complete the work.  We don't know how long that is, only God does.And that's why God often responds to our cries for deliverance with the words, "Not yet."  All we want is for the pain to stop; but He wants something far more valuable.  God's going for the gold.  He wants the gold of a refined character, of an enlarged heart.  He wants the crucible to make us more like Christ.  And He's committed to sustaining the heat until the work is complete."  Sorge p. 144

"God can out-wait anybody.  He just waits and waits, while the crisis looms larger and larger, and He waits some more.  He waits until the crisis becomes an impossible predicament.  And then He waits some more!  Finally, when the remotest chance of escape is completely gone, God intervenes suddenly and miraculously."  Sorge p. 156

Abraham and Sarah were given a promise and waited 25 years for that promise to be fulfilled.  Jesus waited 30 years to begin his public ministry.  Both of those examples make our 20 month wait seem very, very short.

All I can say is that God is good and God is faithful.  I don't know the outcome of this trial, but I know that this trial has brought intimacy with the Lord and for that I am extremely thankful.  The Psalms and the book of Isaiah have brought me much comfort and hope as we wait on the Lord.  We know that our great God is in the details.  He is writing this story and ultimately all we can do is "submit and pray and wait for God."  We know that He will not disappoint!

Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.  For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him.  Isaiah 30:18

Support our Adoption

If you want to contribute towards our adoption as well as get some cool product, consider making a purchase from the 147 Million Orphan website.  You have to use this link in order for us to get credit.

Jordan Adoption

We only get credit if you use this link or if you order directly from me.  If you live in my area, I will be placing an order on Monday morning, November 12th.  You can email me directly and tell me what you'd like to order and it'll save you some money on shipping.

Thanks for supporting us as we pray a sweet little one home!

30 to 40

In 30 days, I'll be turning 40.  I'm not really the sentimental type, but I have been thinking the last few days if my life looks like what I thought it'd look like at 40.  No way.  Not sure what I thought it'd look like, but there are many things that have been "unexpected" on this path.  The Lord has been very good to me, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there was some heartbreak and disappointment along the way.  But I can say that God has used that heartbreak and disappointment to refine me.  (And I'll admit that there's still a lot of refinement that needs to be done!)

Derek asked about a month ago if I wanted a party for my birthday or did I just want to get some friends together and go to dinner, etc.?  That's how Derek rolls....he's already thinking in September about what needs to happen in November.  I'm thinking, I just have to get through today and then tonight I'll look at my calendar for tomorrow.  :)

But since Derek asked several times, I knew that I couldn't keep procrastinating and that I'd need to give him an answer.  I want 2 things for my 40th birthday.

1. To go skydiving.  Our groupon is purchased and as long as the weather stays good, Derek and I will be doing this sometime in November.  If not, it'll have to wait until next spring, because the thought of jumping out of a plane into freezing cold air in the middle of winter....well there's nothing exciting about that to me!

2. The second thing I want is an answer regarding our adoption.  We have been praying for 19+ months for the Lord to open doors.  The doors never seem to swing wide open, but they never seem to close completely either.  Each time we think the door has closed, something happens that encourages us to press on and fight for a particular little boy.  And so for the next 30 days, I am going to pray like I never have before.  I am going to beg the Lord to intervene on our behalf (just like the widow who was persistent with the judge in Luke 18).

How can you help?

I don't want a party for my birthday.  I don't want any gifts.  I just want the Lord to answer the cry of our hearts and move the mountains that need to be moved or I want the Lord to give us release from this journey.  In some ways, I feel like the Lord has been silent the last few months and so we just stay on the path that we're on trusting that He's working behind the scenes.

And so, friends, you can pray for us.  Some of my sweetest friends have been praying right along with us for 19+ months, but I'm asking for some additional friends that will pray intentionally for the next 30 days.  I am asking the Lord to give us clear direction and clear answers by the time I'm 40 on November 25th.  We are surrendered to His plan.

Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Psalm 111:2

Still Wrestling

The last few days, I feel like I've been wrestling with God again or maybe I should say that I'm still wrestling with Him.  I remembered writing a post about this and so I went looking for it today.  Interestingly enough, I wrote that post on 10/11/11.  It's very interesting to me that one year later on 10/12/12, I'm writing basically the same post.  I'm still wrestling with God.

If you're not familiar with the story, it's found in Genesis 32.  A man (God) wrestled with Jacob.  Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  The Lord blessed Jacob.  And Jacob called the place Peniel,  saying "It is because I saw God face to face".  From that day forward, Jacob walked with a limp because God had "touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched".

There's not much of an update on the adoption of our little guy.  I continue to beg the Lord to bless us and to open wide the doors and to allow favor to fall on our paperwork.  But we just continue to wrestle through prayer, because every time we take a step forward, we also take a step backward in our paperwork.  We don't want to give up until the Lord closes the door.  But it's been almost 20 months since we started this process.  Some days I'm just tired of the wrestling and I want to quit.  But there is something in me that just won't let the Lord go.  Not until He blesses us.

This is what I wrote one year ago and it sums up how I feel today.
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there's a part of me that fears or wonders if we'll walk with a limp the rest of our lives. If at some point in this journey, we will have a broken heart. It's possible. But it's also possible, that God will move the mountains that need to be moved and we'll have an incredible testimony of God's goodness in the story of our son. And whichever way God chooses, I know that His ways are higher than my ways. And if it doesn't go the way I am praying and believing with great faith, He is still good. I don't think we got on the wrong path...I think God just has us in a place where we'll wrestle with Him and through the wrestling, we are truly encountering God.

I have cried more tears in the last 20 months then I think I have in the other 38 years of my life combined.  But there is a sweetness that comes when you know God sees you (Genesis 16:13) and He catches your tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).  This faith journey has been hard and it's not over yet.  I am trusting that the Lord's blessing is coming.  And I won't let go of Him until it comes!

I'm Believing God for Something Greater

Steven Furtick...he is one of my favorite preachers and authors.  He speaks in ways that speak to my heart.  My kids would say that he yells when he preaches, so I guess sometimes I need that.  I think he just has passion and is excited about what he's telling you.  :)

His newest book is called Greater.  It's subtitle is Dream Bigger.  Start Smaller.  Ignite God's Vision for Your Life.  The book is developed around the life of Elisha in the Old Testament.

It's a quick and great read to encourage you to keep believing God for big things.  One of the chapters is called Digging Ditches and it talks about how you have to do the work and then prepare for the rain.

Digging ditches…God has a downpour scheduled in your near future.  The deeper you dig, the greater the rainfall has the potential to be.

Sometimes as your faith is getting greater, your situation is getting worser.  Sometimes you pray in great faith, act in great obedience – and the miracle still doesn’t come.  The ditch stays dry.  You still have only one jar of oil.  Sometimes you’ve done everything you know to do and in the end you’re left with a sense of disappointment with God, even a sense that God has failed you.  And if you have never experienced a moment like that, well, quite honestly you haven’t lived long enough.  

Another chapter tells us that God doesn't waste our faith.

In not one of those instances did God misappropriate His children’s faith.  Not an ounce of it was wasted.  Even when it seemed as if He was deaf to their prayers, He was collecting their faith and making a plan to use it in a greater way.

God is working on our behalf even when our prayers don’t seem to be working at all.  Maybe one day we’ll see that the greatest setbacks in our lives were actually the greatest setups to see God’s glory in places we didn’t even know to look.

This book encouraged me to believe God for something greater.  It encouraged me not to be content with things as they are, but to keep praying for big things.  We are trying to instill that same desire in our children.  One is praying for more integrity, one is praying for more friends and one is praying for God to help him be more organized.  They are not happy with the status quo either....they want things to change.  They are believing God for something greater and Derek and I are as well.

Whenever you do what God has called you to do – in any situation, in any given moment – He will do something greater.

Green with Envy

I've read a few of Craig Groeschel's books and enjoyed them, so of course I ordered his newest book as soon as it became available.  I read it within a few weeks, but have delayed (for months) writing this post because it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

But in the spirit of authenticity, I'm going to share how this book spoke straight to my heart.  If you can't handle straight forward truth and brutal honesty, please don't read on.

It's called Soul Detox -- Clean Living in a Contaminated World.  It is broken into three parts -- Toxic Behaviors, Toxic Emotions and Toxic Influences.  The whole book was good, but there was one chapter that was shocking to me.  It was shocking because I never knew that this topic had such a stronghold in my life.

The title is Green with Envy: Scratching the Poison Ivy of Comparison.

"Envy is when you resent God's goodness in other people's lives and ignore God's goodness in your own life" Groeschel

It might be that you envy someone else's house, someone else's car, someone's teeny tiny figure, someone's financial status, someone's obedient children, someone's vacation, someone's _____________.  You fill in the blank.

For me, it was someone else's answered prayer. I felt like God was hearing everyone else and answering their prayers and ours continued to remain unanswered.  And I could give you a list of reasons why in my finite, selfish mind, God should answer our prayers.  We are serving in the church...I'm on church staff for crying out loud, we give money to missions and to the church, we go on mission trips, we sponsor a couple of children in a couple of countries, we pray for those who are sick, we reach out to those that are hurting and we buy a paper which benefits the homeless people in the Nashville community.  (My list could do on but you get the point.) I'm ashamed to admit that my list was all about what "we were doing and not doing".  God doesn't work like that.  He's probably not that interested in our check list of things we do or don't do, because that's not how His accounting system works.  He loves us whether we "do" or whether we "don't".

In all honesty, I feel like every possible facebook friend that I have that is waiting on an adoption referral has received a referral or has already brought the child home. We continue to wait.  I can rejoice with those who rejoice.  In some of these cases, I have been in the trenches of prayer with these families and I truly am happy.  But it is always a little bittersweet...there is a little sting.  Lord, why aren't you answering our prayer?  Why aren't we any closer to bringing our little boy home?  Did we hear you wrong?  Is there sin in my life?....  And the envy and comparison sets in.  And I wonder what God is doing because in my human mind none of this makes sense at all.  It doesn't seem fair.  And I find myself "resenting God's goodness in other people's lives and ignoring God's goodness in my own life". I quickly realized that I was fretting and despairing over what I didn't have and not even seeing the good that God has given.

I have a great husband.  I have three beautiful domestically adopted children that are amazing testimonies of God's faithfulness and that He does answer prayer.  I have a nice house and a great church.  Derek has a good job.  I have absolutely the best friends and family that are walking this incredibly long journey with us and continue to encourage us.  And I found that when I counted my blessings and praised God for His goodness...the envy subsided, the comparison went away because the path He has for us is not the path He has for another.  Their wait wasn't supposed to be as long as ours and their story is just that...their story.  

I have lots of favorite verses in the Bible and I continue to get more.  What is so very neat is that my friends consistently send me about the same 10 verses.  I have to believe that these are the verses that we are supposed to claim for our adoption journey.  This was a favorite of mine before we started this process and today I received it from a friend (this is the third friend to send it).  This is my hope today!

I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see Your goodness, O Lord in the land of the living.  I will hope in You and be of good courage, and You will strengthen my heart; YES, I will hope in You, O Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

Don't think that I still don't have days when I struggle with envy and comparison.  I do.  But I now recognize it in my life and quickly realize that this emotion is toxic and it isn't from the Lord.  What unanswered prayer do you have?  What does someone else have that you want?  Stop and see the goodness in your own life.  Thank Him for all that He has given.  And hope in Him, because even if the answer never comes, He is enough.

I am not what I want to be.  But still, I am not what I used to be.  And by the grace of God, I am what I am.  John Newton