When God Hurts Your Feelings

Crazy title, I know. This post is written from a very raw spot that God is continuing to heal. I thought the wound had been healed, but over the last month, He has shown me that the complete healing hasn't come...maybe it never will.

I think about Joseph being thrown in jail, about Job losing everything, about John the Baptist preparing the way for Christ and then losing his life. These stories make me realize that my story doesn't even compare. But on some level, I think their feelings must've been hurt. They must've wondered why God's plan was unfolding the way that it was.

A couple of weeks ago the theme in our Bible study was "You have to move past your devastation with God". This surfaced all types of emotions, one being infertility. If one more person tells me that when people adopt, they end up getting pregnant, I just might cry. We've adopted three times and we're not pregnant. We've been "unprotected" for 15 years (okay, that's too much information...so sorry). God has chosen to create our family in a different way and deep down, I'm okay with that. Deep down, I believe in the sovereignty of God and I know that the three children living in our house were ordained as ours from the beginning of time. Their adoption stories are some of the best around and I love to share them with anyone that's willing to listen.

And so I'm okay until someone who doesn't even want to be pregnant gets pregnant and says, "We weren't even trying". Or I find out that a 14 year old girl is pregnant. Or when I read a verse in the Bible that says, God closed her womb. Honestly, that hurts my feelings. I don't understand why God closed my womb and continues to allow this place of infertility to be a wound that continually gets opened. I thought I was over this...honestly, I don't want to go back to the newborn stage...it was hard!!!! But sometimes I just wonder, why God? I cannot listen to the song Blessings by Laura Story and not cry. In many ways I guess our infertility is a disappointment in our lives. But yet that very disappointment gave us three wonderful and beautiful blessings!

And so...the healing begins again. For whatever reason, the Lord has allowed this place of deep hurt and longing to surface again. Seriously, I'll be 40 next year and Derek will be 45. We don't need a newborn and we're not praying for one. I am counting my blessings...naming them one by one, because I know they are straight from God's hands.

They didn't come easy and they didn't come cheap. They came with lots of paperwork and lots of anxiety. They came with tears as we tried to adjust to 3 children under 3 wondering if we had completely lost our minds and if maybe we were infertile for a reason. :) But "stinky Satan" as Elizabeth would say would like to steal my joy and make me focus on what others have and what I don't. It's jealousy and envy...it's sin! And I am determined not to linger in the sin or stay in the pit.

This is the life God chose for our family and it's a good life. Let the healing begin...again.

Philippians 3

¹⁰ I want to know Christ better. I want to know the power that raised him from the dead. I want to share in his sufferings. I want to become like him by sharing in his death. ¹¹ Then by God's grace I will rise from the dead. ¹² I have not yet received all of those things. I have not yet been made perfect. But I move on to take hold of what Christ Jesus took hold of me for.¹³ Brothers and sisters, I don't consider that I have taken hold of it yet. But here is the one thing I do. I forget what is behind me. I push hard toward what is ahead of me. ¹⁴ I move on toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it. The heavenly prize is Christ Jesus himself.

Blessings

Have you heard the song Blessings by Laura Story? If you haven't, you need to. It's probably one of the best songs I've downloaded on itunes in awhile....

Here is my favorite section of the song

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

This is where God has me hanging out right now...dealing with some disappointments and trusting that His plan is perfect.

I'm reading a book called Honor's Reward by John Bevere and here's what jumped off the page, often God will send us what we need in a package we don't want.

Has that ever happened to you? I was just moving along through life and God grabbed my attention and said, "Hey Alicia, we have some things to deal with. You thought it was all good, but there's some cleaning up and healing in your life that needs to be done." I was not expecting that.

But oh the blessings that come on the other side of that. Really, I don't need to say it....she says it so well....

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Blessings....sometimes they are prayers that get answered. Sometimes they are the prayers that don't get answered. Either way, blessings come, because He is faithful!

Three Rules of Obedience

1. Do what you're told.

2. Do it immediately.

3. Do it with a good attitude.

Thanks James MacDonald. We are implementing these in our house this week!

I wish I could say that it's only kids that struggle with this, but even as adults, we don't always want to do what we're told. Sometimes God has prompted me to do something and I've done it but I haven't had a good attitude or a happy heart and so it's not obedience...it's just compliance.

I still have much to learn....

Why Go?

Elizabeth asked why I had to go to Africa again.

I said, "Elizabeth, why does mommy go to Africa?"

E: "To tell people about Jesus"

Me: "Yes"

E: "You've already gone and told them about Jesus, why do you have to go again?"

My sweet and precious girl that doesn't like for her momma to leave. I go because we want ALL to hear the gospel. We go because God desires for ALL to come to know Him. We go because sometimes that seed falls on hard ground and we have to continue to go to soften the soil so that they'll be ready to receive the seed of God's Word.

Paul planted, Apollos watered, but God caused the growth. Whether we're planting, watering or seeing the growth, to Him be the glory both now and forevermore.

Mentor Monday

Matthew, Stephen, Rob, Garri (missionary from Russia), Elizabeth

So sometimes you might gain a mentor through marriage. Rob is one of Derek's pre-Alicia friends and honestly I couldn't ask for a better friend. He is Uncle Rob or "Wob" as Matthew said for years.

We call Rob our "modern day Paul". He's a single guy who's given his life to the Gospel. He is a field representative for a Slavic organization called Slavic Missionary Services. He travels to Belarus, Russia, Ukraine and other former Soviet Union countries. He knows the Bible like no one else I know and he's also our "go to guy" when we need someone to pray without ceasing for us. Tough Bible question, he's the guy. If you need someone to be silly with your kids, he's the guy. He always comes with lots of fun stuff that this mom doesn't normally allow in her house....like paint and things that grow up to 600% when you soak them in water, etc.

So he was here for too short of a time this past week. He brought a Russian missionary with him. I loved having them in our house even though I am the very worst hostess alive. Garri spoke great English and so that was so much fun for all of us because Rob didn't have to translate the conversation for us.

For our friend Rob, we can truly say, "I thank God every time I remember you".

Training Tuesday

So, I know you're all dying to know. How's the marathon training going? I'd say it's not really going anywhere.

You see, I got a training partner and her name is Angela aka Big Nanny. Did you read my post yesterday? She's a Barnabus in my life. Sometimes she's a Paul because her kids are older and I bounce all kinds of parenting things off her, but for the most part, she's a Barnabus.

We've known each other for years, but it wasn't until she moved to our neighborhood years ago that we became great friends. She became a "walking partner" and we'd solve all the world's problems and our own as we'd walk.

Big Nanny decided she wanted to run the half marathon as well. And so, I got a training partner and she got one too. Problem is, we're both too soft-hearted for one another. As soon as one of us says, "That's all I've got", we stop running (which sometimes happens after a very short run). In defense of our lack of discipline and endurance, she came home from Africa with bronchitis and then I got bronchitis not too long after that. It's really hard to run if you can't breathe well. I agree that it's a pretty lame excuse, but it's pretty much all we have.

Let's face it. Neither one of us like early morning workout meetings. We don't like to sweat. We don't like pain. We don't like that everyone on the track passes us up because it seems that everyone can run for miles except for us.

And so, maybe we're walking the half marathon or maybe I just donated $100 to Music City. Either way, I'm so thankful for my Big Nanny Barnabus. We may not lose any weight training for this thing (I use the word training very loosely), but the bonds of friendship are deepening. We very well might have world peace by April 30th if we keep at this (I'm kidding, of course).

Mentor Monday

Have you read it? Titus 2:3-5 says "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored."

I'm part of a Monday night Bible study and I encouraged the women a few weeks ago that we should all have a Paul, a Barnabus and a Timothy in our lives. A Paul is a mentor or someone who's one step ahead of you either spiritually or in stage of life (older kids, etc.). Barnabus means "son of encouragement" so of course this friend is just an encourager. Someone that you're doing life with and they're just a good friend. A Timothy is someone younger in the faith or a step behind you in life stage (they are younger than you). As I put out this challenge, I was just reminded of the goodness of God and how God has given me so many women in each of these categories. Some of these women come and go for various reasons and others I feel like will forever be part of my life.

And so, I thought I'd dedicate a couple of Mondays to those mentor women and while I do this, I'd explain why they're so important.

So today's Mentor Monday is Kathy Klassen who is my mother's age (still very young), but is dancing with Jesus today in heaven. Mrs. Klassen went to our church and she has a daughter the same age as me. Mrs. Klassen was our Pioneer Girls leader on Wednesday nights and I remember her helping in VBS as well. We went to a smaller church (100-200 people) and there were several families that did a lot together. The Klassens being one of those families. I remember Mrs. Klassen pouring into my life at an early age. She loved Jesus and she loved people...what more could you ask for? As I was reorganizing some things tonight, I found a graduation gift that she had given me. It's a frame with a mirror behind it (hard to explain), but it's pretty and I think of her whenever I see it. As I moved it on the dresser today, I thought about all the ways she's impacted my life. She may have been one of the reasons I ever was interested in Germany....her house always reflected Germany and her mother was "Oma" (grandma in German) to so many of us. I'm so thankful that she was part of my life.

Our "Pauls" come in so many different ways...mothers, friends, aunts, grandmothers, bosses, etc. Younger women have so much to learn from older women. And older women need to be willing to pour into the younger women. Listen, God didn't have it wrong when He inspired Paul's thoughts to put Titus 2 into place. Be sure that you're doing your part. Do you have a Paul, a Barnabus and a Timothy in your life? If not, start praying for God to put them in your path and then be ready, He answers prayer!