The Purpose of Brokenness

A.W. Tozer said, "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply."

I read that the other day in a devotional and it brought me to my knees. I've been wrestling with God since I've been home from Ethiopia. I'm tired of being "broken". There are so many conflicting emotions when I come home. You'd think I'd know how to deal with them (the emotions)...you'd think I'd be grateful for another opportunity to go and serve and then I'd be grateful to come home to a great family and a wonderful country. But that's not where my emotions rest each and every night. One phrase from a song keeps playing in my head, "I saw what I saw and I can't forget it". I saw malnourished babies. I saw houses that are entirely too small for two people to live in them, how eight people sleep in a room the size of my extra bathroom in my house, I just don't know. I saw little bitty ones playing in the road...walking right in front of the van and no one was even around to stop them from getting hit (thankfully our van was going very, very slow and we saw the little one). I saw a little girl on the side of the road wiping her bottom with a leaf....right there in the open for all to see. I went to an orphanage where there is no structure. Instead this orphanage had a room full of probably 75 two to five year olds who just hit, kick, spit and throw furniture just because they want to and maybe because no one has ever told them that it's wrong. I saw women bent over walking down a steep hill with probably 50 lbs. of firewood on their back. I don't know how they do it...I couldn't. I saw two nannies taking care of 45 children in one orphanage...about 25 of those children under the age of 1. I don't know how they do it....I couldn't. I saw 1000 people waiting in line for their only meal of the day.

How could I see all of that and come home like nothing had changed....like I had just taken a 12 day vacation to Africa. I came home to emotional upheaval. I came home to a broken spirit. I came home only able to go so deep emotionally otherwise I'd just spend my days crying. When I read that devotional I told the Lord that I just couldn't keep doing this. I was tired of being broken. I just didn't think I could handle much more emotionally....why in the world am I going back in less than a month?

And the Lord allowed me to read through the devotional with tears in my eyes. He allowed me to see Psalm 51:17 that says "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." And this quote from Robbie Symons, "Only through the soil of brokenness will the greatest fruit for Jesus Christ be produced." God uses broken people....there's all kinds of evidence throughout Scripture. God chooses to use the broken and the humble. There is power and purpose in brokenness. And so, I come to Him...completely broken, not sure of what He can make of all this mess because it sure seems like a mess to me. But He is a God who brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61).

And so, I'll go as long as He sends. I'll continue to allow him to hurt me deeply, so that through my brokenness and my weakness, He can show Himself strong.

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Oh there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name