Introducing....

In September 2010, I attended a conference.  During that conference I felt that God impressed two things on my heart.

1. Our family was supposed to adopt again.
2. Our church needed to have an adoption support group and/or an orphan awareness group.

Neither of these things come without cost -- both financial and emotional.  It's hard to adopt.  It's a beautiful thing, but adoption comes with heartache and grief and loss.

It's hard to be involved in orphan care.  Every time I walk into an orphanage I am reminded that institutionalized living is not God's best.  God intends for us to be in families.  Hard stuff, because there are no easy solutions.

Little did I know in September 2010 as I stood there and listened to the heart of God, that a little girl had been born in Ethiopia.  And soon that little girl would be our daughter.

This is what happens when you put your yes on the table and you surrender.  His ways are not our ways, but His plan is perfect.

Introducing Abigail Carey -- born September 9, 2010.  Coming to her forever home in summer 2013.

Beauty in the Broken

Well, it's been awhile since I posted anything and a lot has happened in those two months.  This will probably be one of several posts because I have a lot to say.

First I want to say, that I'd prefer to be at Disney World right now pretending as if life is perfect and magical and free from hurt.  I wish I could sprinkle some pixie dust on my family's life and my friend's lives so that everything would just be better.  But that is not God's way.  God brings hurt and pain into our lives to mold us into His image.  I believe down to the deepest part of my being that God never wastes a hurt and that pain always has a purpose.

But that doesn't mean that it feels good.  It honestly sucks (forgive my choice of that word, but there just seems to be no other word that describes how it feels).

I don't want to write this post.  I don't want to be walking the road that we're walking right now.  I hate seeing my husband hurt and my kids hurt.  I hate that my heart is broken and it just feels like I will never feel normal again.

But God speaks to me through music and there is a song called "Beauty in the Broken" by Hyland.  I am clinging to this, that there will be beauty that will come from this brokenness.

"But let Me hold you through it, let Me carry you, I know it feels you're at the end, but here your story's just beginning.  I know your tomorrow, I know where you are.  Though you can't see past the moment, I see beauty in the broken."

Two years ago, we decided to try to adopt a little boy named Amen.  Throughout the course of these two years, we have had several people tell us that this was a simple case because of all the details of our case.  I made a trip to Ethiopia recently where we were finally told that our case is "likely impossible".  I could tell you all about how laws have changed and how things have happened that have hindered this process, but none of that really matters.  Ultimately, God is sovereign and He has closed the door.

Our hopes and dreams are shattered.  We have prayed for this little boy every night for over two years (let me just say that prayer unites hearts in a way that nothing else can).  The Lord has given us a deep love for this little boy.  His face and his laugh and his precious personality will forever be a memory in my mind and heart.  We are broken hearted.  There is no other word to describe what we feel.  We are sad.  We are disappointed.  Some days I feel like God hurt my feelings because He didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted and He didn't give us our miracle.

I know the Biblical truths.  I know that the Lord gives and takes away.  I know that He is good and kind and loving.  I know that I wasn't there when He formed the foundations of the world.  I know that He sees with kingdom eyes and I see only dimly.  I know that He will work all of this together for good.  But that doesn't change how I feel.  I hurt deeply.

But I also know that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and He has been near to Me even when I just want to run away to Disney World.

And so I am choosing to let the pieces of my broken heart fall into His arms.  I am trusting that He will somehow put them all back together again in a way that honors Him and gives Him glory.

And I am choosing to "be strong and courageous because I know that He is with me wherever I go."  And we are going to the depths of pain together.

And I am believing that there is beauty on the other side of this brokenness!

God is Listenin

Every January our church has a week of prayer.  For the last few years, the phrase "God is Listening" has been used during this week.

Our kids have been praying for a certain little boy in Africa for 21 months.  Every night at devotions at least one of them prays for him.  Sometimes all five of us utter his name during prayer.  Sometimes they pray things like "help him to get here quickly" or "help him to be home by such and such a date".  I'll admit, I am like Sarah (Abraham's wife) and I laugh to myself.  Because it seems that nothing ever happens quickly in Africa and sometimes it feels like nothing will ever happen.

You may already know the story, but the Lord says to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord?  I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."  Genesis 18:13-14

We recently had an evening where one of our children had misplaced/lost an expensive pair of sunglasses and an ipod touch.  Both were missing.  We looked everywhere that we could think to look and couldn't find either.  I said, "You need to pray that they will show up".  The response I got was "God doesn't answer prayer".  I then gave the mommy lecture about how God does answer prayer, etc., etc.  He then said, "Well, God doesn't answer my prayers."  When I pushed further, he said God didn't heal Mr. Kurt (my parent's neighbor) and he hasn't brought Amen home.  Well, that's fair and honest.  God hasn't answered those prayers the way our human minds would like them to be answered.  Of course we want healing and of course we want quick response to our prayers.

Well, we prayed that both items would be found.  The sunglasses showed up that evening.  It took several days for us to find the iPod touch, but what was lost is now found!

And then this is what I found on his door.

God doesn't always answer the way we want.  But I promise you God is listening or listenin'.

I'm thankful that He hears all of our prayers even the ones for lost items. (We are currently praying for another child's prayer of eyeglasses to show up!)

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.  
Micah 7:7

Nothing is Wasted

There's a phrase in John 6 that jumped off the page at me last year.  It's the miracle of the feeding of the 5000.  A little boy's 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish fed over 5,000 men.

John 6:12-13 says "When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over.  Let nothing be wasted."  So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten."

I feel like this could be the theme of my life right now.  I feel like we have prayed and prayed about our adoption.  We have fasted again and again.  I have cried and cried.  I have prayed and fasted some more.  If you were to find my prayer journal, you might be quite disappointed in me.   My conversations with the Lord in the past weeks have been brutally honest (I figure He already knows my thoughts).  The great thing is that the Lord is kind and compassionate.  He lets me complain and lay all my burdens on the altar.  He takes my wounded heart and wraps His arms around me and fills me with peace and hope.

We don't have any update on our adoption.  But this much I know, nothing is wasted.  All those prayers, all those tears, all those days of fasting, not any of them are wasted.  There is a song by Elevation Church that says "Nothing is wasted, You work all things for good."

In Steven Furtick's book Greater, he says "Sometimes as your faith is getting greater, your situation is getting worser."  p. 92

But "not an ounce of faith was wasted.  Even when it seemed as if He was deaf to their prayers, He was collecting their faith and making a plan to use it in a greater way."  p. 106

I honestly don't know about our adoption.  But I know that none of my prayers and that none of my tears are wasted.  He will use them all for His good in a greater way than I could even imagine.  And I know the same is true for all of His children.  We don't understand His ways or His timing.  But if He collects 12 baskets of leftover food from 5 small bread loaves and 2 small fish, then I believe that He can take my prayers and my faith and turn them into something beautiful!  Let nothing be wasted!

Precious in the Sight of the Lord

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. Psalm 116:15

 Because death comes whether we want it to or not. Last January I was grieving with one of my best friends over the loss of her precious mother. This January we grieve for the loss of a very kind and good man. My parents gained awesome neighbors a few years ago that turned into family friends (you just never know if you're going to get good neighbors or not). Kurt and Brenda have always been so kind to my parents and to my children. Stephen loves Mr. Kurt and has been so concerned for him the last few weeks. If Stephen gets a soft spot for you in his heart, then he'll do anything for you. Stephen loves his Papa and Mr. Kurt has always been good to Papa, so Stephen loved Mr. Kurt right from the beginning.

 We have prayed for months for God to heal this godly man, but God had a different plan. Stephen took the news the hardest because he has prayed with great faith for healing for Mr. Kurt. Just last night he prayed that God would heal him just like he healed Lazarus. Stephen has a faith to believe that even though Mr. Kurt is in heaven that God could bring him back if He wanted to. And yes, of course, God could, but my mind doesn't even think to pray for that.

 Life is hard and so many times I bring my cynical self before the Lord's throne with my prayer requests. My theology tells me that there's nothing that God can't do. My mind and heart have known grief and sadness and the cruelty of a sin filled world. My heart knows that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want. I don't understand in the least bit why the Lord would take good people...people that are making a difference in this world for Him to heaven at such a young age.

 But then the Lord reminds me of Isaiah 55:8-9 that say
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts."

If you've lived long enough, you know that we can't always figure out why God does what He does. I don't know why the healing doesn't come sometimes or why He doesn't answer prayers that are offered in great faith...prayers that it seems the Lord would be glad to answer. But the Lord has a better plan, a plan that our finite minds cannot understand.

I love the rest of Isaiah 55.
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
 “For you will go out with joy
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
“Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And it will be a memorial to the Lord,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.”

I love that even in the midst of heartache, this family is continuing to pour out Christ's love. Mr. Kurt's precious wife, Brenda, put this on facebook tonight.

In lieu of flowers, the Conner family requests donations be made to "The Raining Season" and add "Sarah's Care Project" in the Memo line. Mail the check to 4047 Williford Way, Spring Hill, TN 37174. Sarah is a child from Sierra Leone, Africa. She is coming to Nashville to receive vital medical treatment, and she will be placed in the care of Brad and Lindsey Conner For more information on her and The Raining Season, please visit http://savetheorphan.blogspot.com/ and especially refer to the October 25th post titled "Saving Sarah".

Kurt and Brenda's son and daughter-in-law are taking in a precious child from Africa. And so Kurt's legacy of faith continues....and just as Isaiah 55 says "this will be a memorial to the Lord, for an everlasting sign which will not be cut off. God's Word will not return to Him empty...it will accomplish what He desires." And God desires amazing things for this precious family.

Thank you Mr. Kurt for the life you lived so well and the legacy you left here on this earth.

Christmas 2012

We had a quiet Christmas in Tennessee this year.  We were going to travel to Florida after Christmas, but illness hit and so we stayed home...some of us in the bed.

Here are a few family photos from this year.  It was extra fun this year because we had my grandpa in town as well as our newest addition (our niece) here for Christmas.  Little girls always make everything sweeter!

Matthew loves big boxes and wasn't even disappointed that there was a very small gift at the bottom of the box.  This box became his fort Christmas Day!

This guitar brought tears.  I didn't know that she so desperately wanted a guitar, but it made her very happy!

Four generations.  My grandpa (mom's dad), my mom, my brother and me and four great grandchildren.  

Nanny and her two granddaughters -- Elizabeth and Kristen.

Our Christmas pic for 2012.

And sweet baby Kristen.  She is beautiful!

And here's the whole family Christmas Day.

Happy 13th Stephen

I am the mom of a teenager.  40 doesn't seem that old to me until I realize that I have a teenager in the house.  In just a few years, he'll be asking to borrow my car.  Okay, realistically, he'll be asking to borrow Derek's car because I drive a minivan.

Stephen and I are opposites.  We are like two pieces of sandpaper being rubbed together sometimes.  I believe this was the Lord's plan all along because in the process, Stephen and I are both getting our rough edges refined by each other.  God is smoothing out the grit in our lives!

He is talented musically.  He is creative and can draw things very well.  His memory is excellent and he gets good grades in school without even trying very hard.  I do believe that he really can do anything that he wants with his life because he has the academic ability.  He loves serving in the preschool department at church and he's social like his Tennessee Papa.  He loves to point out everyone that we know in every store and/or restaurant that we enter.  Sometimes I think he's just looking for someone that we know....maybe that's the southern way?

Anyway, he truly is a blessing to our family.  He was born just a week before Christmas and there isn't anything better than a sweet little baby at Christmas.

I'm proud of the young man that he's becoming!