Sowing in Tears

Here's a little adoption update which really isn't much of an update at all.  We have been praying for good news from Africa for the last 45 days.  On two separate days, we thought we were close to getting the good news, but both times we didn't get good news.  We didn't necessarily get a closed door, but for whatever reason, our case seems to be stuck.  We haven't been able to get that final breakthrough which would then put us into the next steps of the process.

My faith remains strong that we are on the right road, however, my heart hurts deeply.  I do not understand all this waiting.  It has been 16 months since we started this process.  I am ready for our little guy to be home.  I know the Lord wants to teach us in this "waiting period", but some days it is just so hard to yield to His plans and His timing.

I am thankful that His mercies are new each morning.  I need His strength to stay on this difficult journey.

Psalm 126:5 says that those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.  I am holding onto the truth that one day there will be some joyful shouting!

Thanks for walking this journey with us!

A New and Old Season

Many of you know that previously I was the older preschool director at our church.  We attend a church that has a lot of preschoolers so I was responsible for the three year olds thru kindergarten.  This included Sunday School, preschool worship, Sunday night preschool choir, etc.  I had the awesome privilege of working with three great women, Angela, Sumer and Amber.  Angela, Sumer and I went to Africa together in December of 2009.  If you know me at all, then you know that Sumer and her family decided to move to Africa in June 2010.  With Sumer's transition, the Lord also presented transition for me.  I left a work environment that I loved dearly to pursue a passion of my heart.  That passion is missions and more specifically Africa.  I work part time at Visiting Orphans and coordinate some of the Ethiopia trips.

Angela, me and Sumer in Africa (April 2012)

I love my job at Visiting Orphans.  It truly is a dream job for me.  VO is currently involved in sending teams to 13 different countries.  The passion this ministry has for the orphans of this world is unbelievable.  The cool thing is that the staff is living it out.  They are leading teams because they want to.  They are adopting because they want to.  They are involved in other orphan awareness ministries because they want to, not because it's required of them or part of their job description.

God began stirring in my heart around Christmas that change was coming.  I thought that it was because a little boy was coming to our family soon, but I then realized that it was going to be ministry related.  I knew that God was telling me that I would be quitting VO.  I didn't understand it.  I love my job!  I love what I do and the people I work with.  I love Ethiopia and the people of Ethiopia.  There is great joy in seeing a team leave for Africa and then come home forever changed.

But God knew that my husband's job would be transitioning and that I'd need to be home more.  He knows when our 4th child is coming into our home and that I'll need to be home more.  He knew that my "old job" as older preschool director would have an opening and that I'd jump right back into that ministry and love it.

And so it is with joy and sadness that I announce my resignation from Visiting Orphans, but my new/old job as older preschool director at our church.  I am now working with three great friends at church....Angela, Amber and Ashley.  I will finish out the month of June at Visiting Orphans and still stay actively involved with that ministry and with my wonderful friends there.  I will still be involved with Project 61 and my friend Sumer.  I am also involved in our church's new orphan and adoption ministry.  And I am praying that I can reveal a sweet little boy's face to you soon and introduce you to our son.  And once he's home, I'll have a preschooler in the preschool ministry once again.

God's ways are higher.  2012 has been a year of trusting and obedience!

The will of God for your life is simply that you submit yourself to Him each day and say, "Father, Your will for today is mine. Your pleasure for today is mine. Your work for today is mine. I trust You to be God. You lead me today and I will follow." Kay Arthur

Eyes Wide Open

Just finished this little book and oh my, we have a lot of work to do at both educating and equipping our children.  I will definitely be praying more fervently and playing the "what if" game a lot more with my kids, because there are a lot of aggressive girls and clueless boys walking around the middle schools and high schools.

And I pray that Elizabeth is not one of those aggressive girls and that Stephen and Matthew aren't clueless boys.  Because after reading this book, I know for sure that aggressive girls and clueless boys don't end up obeying God, they end up in trouble.

If you have pre-teen or teen boys, I'd recommend this 118 page book so that you're clued in with what's really happening on Facebook and through texting and parties.  This book has a lot of practical information about how to talk to your boys about situations that they will face and to equip them to be "strong and courageous" and turn away from temptation.  It's something that they'll need for the rest of their lives, because aggressive girls come in all ages!  I'd encourage you to be informed and take the time to read this book or another book like it!

Our Adoption-- But even if He does not....

I wish that I had some clear answers and some great news, but I don't.  We have been in this process for over a year and it still seems that we have some unanswered questions.

We are praying for clarity this week.  We are specifically praying that there would be some movement in our case this week or that God would close the door.

We believe that we are on the path that God intended for us to walk.  It has been a difficult path however to walk.  I have cried more tears in the last year, then I think I have in the previous 17 of marriage.  But my God is sweeter and more tender than I've ever known Him to be.  He has surrounded me with incredible friends and family.  He gives me small reminders and glimpses of His love often.

I'm doing two different Bible studies right now (one for church, one for work) and they are both focusing on hearing from God and how to hear from Him and how you know if it's really Him, etc.

And today, God brought me back full circle to a story in Daniel 3.  It's the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  It's a story that Derek and I related to as we walked through infertility and in-invitro which resulted in a lost pregnancy.

If you remember the story, King Nebuchadnezzar was going to throw them into the fiery furnace because they wouldn't bow down to the golden image.  But these men said, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

And I am right back at those verses almost 13 years later.  God is able to deliver us and move this adoption forward.  I do not know for sure though if He will.  We have been obedient to what God has asked us to do.  We have prayed with great faith for Him to move mountains and we believe that He is still able.  But even if He does not, we will still serve Him and we will still love Him.  "We should be faithful to serve God whether He intervenes on our behalf or not."

And with that, that's the update.  We don't really have one except that we're resolved to serve Him whether we get our miracle or not.  We pray that we'll be just like those three men.... "there was no smell of fire on them".  (v. 27)  May we be more like Jesus because of this faith journey regardless of the outcome.  May the refiner's fire leave a sweet aroma for Christ instead of the smell of fire.

A Different Perspective

One thing I love about reading the Bible is how stories can seem "new" or "fresh" even though you've read them several times.  There's a story that refreshed me from a different perspective in the last month.  It's a story that I've read many times.  It's in Genesis which means that I've read it the last few Januarys as part of my "read thru the Bible in a year plan".  Unfortunately, I still have yet to get to Revelation.

It's in Genesis 16 and it's the story of Sarai and Hagar.  In years past, I would always relate to Sarai.  She is infertile and she's looking to "help God" fulfill His promise to make her a mother.  Hagar, her maid, gets pregnant and this irritates Sarai.  And so Sarai doesn't treat her kindly which is so ironic because Hagar is pregnant because of Sarai's idea to "help God".  

How many times do I try to "help God" and it just turns into a big, fat mess?

Sarah treats Hagar unkindly (my translation says harshly) and Hagar runs away.  The angel of the Lord appears to Hagar and tells her to go back to Sarai.  He gives her some other promises about her son and the generations to come.  Verses 13-14 are the verses that encouraged my heart.  Hagar named the place Beer-lahai-roi (the well of the living one who sees me).  She says "You are a God who sees".  Sometimes, we can't see Him.  We can't see Him working.  It seems that He is far away.  But He isn't.  He is a God who sees our heartache.  He is a God who sees our pain.  He is a God who sees that we were treated harshly or unfairly.  He is a God who is working on our behalf all the time.  God does not slumber or sleep (Psalm 121). 

He is El Roi....the God who sees.  And even if you can't see Him through your tears and heartache, He is there and He sees you and He is actively working on your behalf.

I Missed the Memo

I like the first message from Stephen.

They forgot to inform me that I was being sent away for the summer and that's why Matthew is wishing me a great summer!  :)

Mourning Into Dancing

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday.  It comes with a lot of emotions mixed in on this day.  On one side is happiness.  I am thankful for my mom.  I had a great childhood.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law.  She is a blessing.

On the other side though is sadness.  On this day, my heart aches for those women that desperately want to be mommas and God hasn't answered that prayer.  The day brings a lot of memories flooding back of sitting through a church service on this day just wishing that God would "give me the desire of my heart."  God did, in His time.  I am very thankful for Stephen, Matthew and Elizabeth.  They are a lot of fun and a lot of work...I guess that's what motherhood is.  I am thankful for their birthmothers that gave them life.   It's because of them that I get to be a mother.

Today I am sad for a dear friend who just recently lost her mother. Mother's Day is hard.  I am sad for three women that I know are "celebrating" Mother's Day without their husbands who left this earth far too young.  Mother's Day is hard.  And then my friends that are praying and hoping that this would be the month that they would get pregnant.  Mother's Day is hard.  Mother's Day stirs a lot of emotions in many and for whatever reason on this day, I fall on the sad side.

But, my God is faithful.  And He has turned my mourning into dancing and I am trusting that He will do the same for those who walk through this day with heavy hearts.

A friend of mine wrote this and I thought it so accurately describes this day.  Thanks to my friend Angie for putting into words what so many feel.

There is a special group of women

You might not know or recognize.

They are the ones on Mother’s Day

With big tears in their eyes.

They may greet you with a smile today

Because today is your day too.

But deep down they feel much sorrow

They are hoping just to make it through.

Today a mom will get a beautiful card

Thanking her for all she does.

She works for free, all day long

And she does so 'just because.'

But some mothers may not get a card

For there is no longer a child to see.

But please do not forget these moms

They still love their children endlessly.

Many women have a child or two

That everyone can see.

But sometimes there is a little one missing –

One who now lives as a memory.

For not every precious child that is born

Makes memories with mom for years.

Some are called to be with Jesus

And these mothers are left with tears.

For the mother who will never forget

The day her almost grown child died,

For the mother who held a tiny little angel

And too soon had to say goodbye,

For the mother who held her child

Only a few weeks in her womb,

We remember you this mother’s day

Because today is your day too. 

And please don't forget the mom's out there

Who were at a loss for what to do,

When they gave their child to someone else

And prayed for God to see them through.

They knew their child deserved nothing less 

Than the best life had to offer,

So they gave their child a chance at life -

They gave their child a second mother. 

A non-traditional mother 

Should be remembered all year through.

And on Mother's Day 2012

Here is a special prayer for you:

May you feel God's comfort and His peace

May your heart sing a little today

As you celebrate the life you gave

In your own special and wonderful way.