Our Adoption-- But even if He does not....

I wish that I had some clear answers and some great news, but I don't.  We have been in this process for over a year and it still seems that we have some unanswered questions.

We are praying for clarity this week.  We are specifically praying that there would be some movement in our case this week or that God would close the door.

We believe that we are on the path that God intended for us to walk.  It has been a difficult path however to walk.  I have cried more tears in the last year, then I think I have in the previous 17 of marriage.  But my God is sweeter and more tender than I've ever known Him to be.  He has surrounded me with incredible friends and family.  He gives me small reminders and glimpses of His love often.

I'm doing two different Bible studies right now (one for church, one for work) and they are both focusing on hearing from God and how to hear from Him and how you know if it's really Him, etc.

And today, God brought me back full circle to a story in Daniel 3.  It's the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  It's a story that Derek and I related to as we walked through infertility and in-invitro which resulted in a lost pregnancy.

If you remember the story, King Nebuchadnezzar was going to throw them into the fiery furnace because they wouldn't bow down to the golden image.  But these men said, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

And I am right back at those verses almost 13 years later.  God is able to deliver us and move this adoption forward.  I do not know for sure though if He will.  We have been obedient to what God has asked us to do.  We have prayed with great faith for Him to move mountains and we believe that He is still able.  But even if He does not, we will still serve Him and we will still love Him.  "We should be faithful to serve God whether He intervenes on our behalf or not."

And with that, that's the update.  We don't really have one except that we're resolved to serve Him whether we get our miracle or not.  We pray that we'll be just like those three men.... "there was no smell of fire on them".  (v. 27)  May we be more like Jesus because of this faith journey regardless of the outcome.  May the refiner's fire leave a sweet aroma for Christ instead of the smell of fire.

A Different Perspective

One thing I love about reading the Bible is how stories can seem "new" or "fresh" even though you've read them several times.  There's a story that refreshed me from a different perspective in the last month.  It's a story that I've read many times.  It's in Genesis which means that I've read it the last few Januarys as part of my "read thru the Bible in a year plan".  Unfortunately, I still have yet to get to Revelation.

It's in Genesis 16 and it's the story of Sarai and Hagar.  In years past, I would always relate to Sarai.  She is infertile and she's looking to "help God" fulfill His promise to make her a mother.  Hagar, her maid, gets pregnant and this irritates Sarai.  And so Sarai doesn't treat her kindly which is so ironic because Hagar is pregnant because of Sarai's idea to "help God".  

How many times do I try to "help God" and it just turns into a big, fat mess?

Sarah treats Hagar unkindly (my translation says harshly) and Hagar runs away.  The angel of the Lord appears to Hagar and tells her to go back to Sarai.  He gives her some other promises about her son and the generations to come.  Verses 13-14 are the verses that encouraged my heart.  Hagar named the place Beer-lahai-roi (the well of the living one who sees me).  She says "You are a God who sees".  Sometimes, we can't see Him.  We can't see Him working.  It seems that He is far away.  But He isn't.  He is a God who sees our heartache.  He is a God who sees our pain.  He is a God who sees that we were treated harshly or unfairly.  He is a God who is working on our behalf all the time.  God does not slumber or sleep (Psalm 121). 

He is El Roi....the God who sees.  And even if you can't see Him through your tears and heartache, He is there and He sees you and He is actively working on your behalf.

I Missed the Memo

I like the first message from Stephen.

They forgot to inform me that I was being sent away for the summer and that's why Matthew is wishing me a great summer!  :)

Mourning Into Dancing

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday.  It comes with a lot of emotions mixed in on this day.  On one side is happiness.  I am thankful for my mom.  I had a great childhood.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law.  She is a blessing.

On the other side though is sadness.  On this day, my heart aches for those women that desperately want to be mommas and God hasn't answered that prayer.  The day brings a lot of memories flooding back of sitting through a church service on this day just wishing that God would "give me the desire of my heart."  God did, in His time.  I am very thankful for Stephen, Matthew and Elizabeth.  They are a lot of fun and a lot of work...I guess that's what motherhood is.  I am thankful for their birthmothers that gave them life.   It's because of them that I get to be a mother.

Today I am sad for a dear friend who just recently lost her mother. Mother's Day is hard.  I am sad for three women that I know are "celebrating" Mother's Day without their husbands who left this earth far too young.  Mother's Day is hard.  And then my friends that are praying and hoping that this would be the month that they would get pregnant.  Mother's Day is hard.  Mother's Day stirs a lot of emotions in many and for whatever reason on this day, I fall on the sad side.

But, my God is faithful.  And He has turned my mourning into dancing and I am trusting that He will do the same for those who walk through this day with heavy hearts.

A friend of mine wrote this and I thought it so accurately describes this day.  Thanks to my friend Angie for putting into words what so many feel.

There is a special group of women

You might not know or recognize.

They are the ones on Mother’s Day

With big tears in their eyes.

They may greet you with a smile today

Because today is your day too.

But deep down they feel much sorrow

They are hoping just to make it through.

Today a mom will get a beautiful card

Thanking her for all she does.

She works for free, all day long

And she does so 'just because.'

But some mothers may not get a card

For there is no longer a child to see.

But please do not forget these moms

They still love their children endlessly.

Many women have a child or two

That everyone can see.

But sometimes there is a little one missing –

One who now lives as a memory.

For not every precious child that is born

Makes memories with mom for years.

Some are called to be with Jesus

And these mothers are left with tears.

For the mother who will never forget

The day her almost grown child died,

For the mother who held a tiny little angel

And too soon had to say goodbye,

For the mother who held her child

Only a few weeks in her womb,

We remember you this mother’s day

Because today is your day too. 

And please don't forget the mom's out there

Who were at a loss for what to do,

When they gave their child to someone else

And prayed for God to see them through.

They knew their child deserved nothing less 

Than the best life had to offer,

So they gave their child a chance at life -

They gave their child a second mother. 

A non-traditional mother 

Should be remembered all year through.

And on Mother's Day 2012

Here is a special prayer for you:

May you feel God's comfort and His peace

May your heart sing a little today

As you celebrate the life you gave

In your own special and wonderful way. 

Tuesday Book Review

I have about 10 books started that are about halfway completed. My goal is to finish them before I start any other books. That might be a hard task because I just ordered a new book that I really want to read. :)

Just finished Not A Fan by Kyle Idelman and it's a decent read. Kind of along the same lines as Crazy Love or Radical. It's an easy read and definitely challenges you to be "all in" for Jesus. His premise is that we become a completely committed follower of Jesus and "not a fan". Agreed.

A couple of good quotes from the book:
"There is no way to follow Jesus without him interfering with your life. Following Jesus will cost you something."

 "A belief, no matter how sincere, if not reflected in reality isn't a belief; it's a delusion."

 "Say no to self and yes to Jesus every time."

 And now the hard part...living that out!

We Weren't a Compassion Team

This breaks all the rules of motherhood, but I am actually a very heavy sleeper at night. Derek was the one who always heard the babies first and usually he's the one that still hears the kids if someone is up in the middle of the night.

But there is one sound that will make me spring out of the bed like no other. It is the sound of someone vomiting. I do not know why this is the only noise that gets me out of the bed, perhaps it's because I personally despise vomiting (not sure that anyone likes it), but I will fight like crazy to keep from vomiting. Usually when I have the stomach virus, I am on the bathroom floor pleading with God to just let me die.

So, we're sitting at dinner at Hotel Bethlehem in Ethiopia having a conversation about how this team has only one team member with mercy and compassion and that is Carrie. The rest of us, we're really not that nice. I guess we mostly believe that what doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. We were discussing who would be compassionate if we were sick, etc. and the answer was always Carrie....no one else including Sumer ever made the list.

It's about 1:30 in the morning and Angela and I are both asleep when I hear that sound....someone a few doors down is vomiting. (Side note: in Ethiopia two unmarried people are not allowed to share a bed, so Angela and I were technically breaking the law by sleeping in a bed together). We had to get separate rooms because of this law, but Angela and I ended up in the same room (this is a blog post for another day). In the midst of all that, we gave our room to Bryan and Jonathan because they had a room with two twin beds and this way they each had their own room. All of that to say that I only knew what room Carrie was in and what room Sumer was in....the boys, I wasn't so sure.

So, I wake up Angela and say "someone's throwing up". I don't know what I expected her to do, but I said, "What if it's Bryan?" It was his first time in Africa and I did feel some responsibility to make sure that he had a good time and made it home alive. So, I start walking down the gravel pathway trying to figure out which room the vomiting is coming from. It's not Carrie, it's not Sumer. I'm not sure which room Bryan or Jonathan or Maste and Haptamu are in. I finally end up outside someone's room and I'm whispering, "Bryan....Jonathan..." No answer. The vomiting stops for a little while. We head back to bed and I continue to hear the vomiting. I walked the gravel pathway again, but wasn't didn't want to start waking up random people if it wasn't coming from their room, so I just headed back to bed defeated. I couldn't go back to sleep and I just prayed and prayed for that person because I just know how horrible food poisoning can be.

I then started thinking that I had the same thing to eat as Bryan, so my tummy starts to hurt. I pray some more. Finally around 3 am I go back to sleep. It was fun conversation the following morning at breakfast when I realized that no one on our team was sick and instead I was outside someone else's room yelling "Jonathan...Bryan..." Whoever that person was, they got lots of prayer that Sunday evening in Ethiopia. And the team, we laughed a lot about it.

Two Metal Smiles

Stephen and I are very different, but even though at times we seem to be polar opposites, we definitely have a few similarities. 1. We both could just live off of sweets. Eat dessert first is our motto. 2. We both like silly movies. We cackle together and obviously have the same sense of humor even though the rest of the family may not think it's funny. 3. And for the next year and a half, we'll be in braces together. And since, there has to be a good side to even braces, we decided to have ice cream together afterwards. Because after all, dessert can just about make all things better.