First I want to say, that I'd prefer to be at Disney World right now pretending as if life is perfect and magical and free from hurt. I wish I could sprinkle some pixie dust on my family's life and my friend's lives so that everything would just be better. But that is not God's way. God brings hurt and pain into our lives to mold us into His image. I believe down to the deepest part of my being that God never wastes a hurt and that pain always has a purpose.
But that doesn't mean that it feels good. It honestly sucks (forgive my choice of that word, but there just seems to be no other word that describes how it feels).
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be walking the road that we're walking right now. I hate seeing my husband hurt and my kids hurt. I hate that my heart is broken and it just feels like I will never feel normal again.
But God speaks to me through music and there is a song called "Beauty in the Broken" by Hyland. I am clinging to this, that there will be beauty that will come from this brokenness.
"But let Me hold you through it, let Me carry you, I know it feels you're at the end, but here your story's just beginning. I know your tomorrow, I know where you are. Though you can't see past the moment, I see beauty in the broken."
Two years ago, we decided to try to adopt a little boy named Amen. Throughout the course of these two years, we have had several people tell us that this was a simple case because of all the details of our case. I made a trip to Ethiopia recently where we were finally told that our case is "likely impossible". I could tell you all about how laws have changed and how things have happened that have hindered this process, but none of that really matters. Ultimately, God is sovereign and He has closed the door.
Our hopes and dreams are shattered. We have prayed for this little boy every night for over two years (let me just say that prayer unites hearts in a way that nothing else can). The Lord has given us a deep love for this little boy. His face and his laugh and his precious personality will forever be a memory in my mind and heart. We are broken hearted. There is no other word to describe what we feel. We are sad. We are disappointed. Some days I feel like God hurt my feelings because He didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted and He didn't give us our miracle.
I know the Biblical truths. I know that the Lord gives and takes away. I know that He is good and kind and loving. I know that I wasn't there when He formed the foundations of the world. I know that He sees with kingdom eyes and I see only dimly. I know that He will work all of this together for good. But that doesn't change how I feel. I hurt deeply.
But I also know that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and He has been near to Me even when I just want to run away to Disney World.
And so I am choosing to let the pieces of my broken heart fall into His arms. I am trusting that He will somehow put them all back together again in a way that honors Him and gives Him glory.
And I am choosing to "be strong and courageous because I know that He is with me wherever I go." And we are going to the depths of pain together.
And I am believing that there is beauty on the other side of this brokenness!
3 comments:
I am so sorry for your disappointment and hurt and I really do understand it. Your faith is beautiful and I know that you and Derek will be blessed in spite of this. Praying for you and your family.
Susan
Ugghhh... Alicia, I'm so sorry... I remember the pain of being told that we'd never receive a referral from ES after years of waiting. I remember crying. I remember questioning why God took us on the journey only to put us through that. I can say with certainty that even though I remember the pain of that process, I remember even more the joy of coming out of the wilderness and the joy of seeing God's hand at work even when I thought he was being silent. I remember crying tears of joy that he had turned my mourning into dancing. I hope you soon see his deliverance as well. Thinking of you...
Thank you for your beautiful way with words. It's hard when God says no to any of our requests but especially those we thought were best for all involved. I questioned my walk with Him and my ability to follow His leading when His plans were so different from mine. But I am learning to say "I trust you, Jesus." and act on that trust alone. You're in my prayers. Denise
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